Jokes...

[Luke]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and Claudia Schiffer are in a train, sitting together. The train goes through a tunnel, and being one of the old style trains with no carriage lights, they are sitting in complete darkness.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound, followed by a large slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a large slapmark on his left cheek, and the Englishman and Claudia Schiffer are sitting there like nothing has happened.
Claudia Schiffer is thinking "The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, but kissed the Englishman by mistake and got slapped for it."
The Frenchman is thinking "The Englishman must have kissed Claudia Schiffer, and she tried to slap him but hit me by mistake."
The Englishman is thinking "This is great! Next time we go through a tunnel, I can make another kissing sound and slap that french w**ker again!"

 

[The Negotiator]

What about this one? A physicist, a mathematician and a english student are going oin a train to Wales.

They go through a field and see a pink sheep.

The english student immediately shouts out: "Ah ha, all sheep in Wales MUST be pink!"

The phyicisit says "don't be so stupid, that only shows one sheep in wales must be pink"

The mathematician looks at them both in disgust and says "No you two, that means that one side of that one sheep must be pink!"

I am not too sure why it's funny either

We had such fun in maths!

 

[Luke]

What about this one? A physicist, a mathematician and a english student are going oin a train to Wales.

They go through a field and see a pink sheep.

The english student immediately shouts out: "Ah ha, all sheep in Wales MUST be pink!"

The phyicisit says "don't be so stupid, that only shows one sheep in wales must be pink"

The mathematician looks at them both in disgust and says "No you two, that means that one side of that one sheep must be pink!"

I am not too sure why it's funny either

We had such fun in maths!

Im lost too

 

[JonnyBoy]

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.
He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door.
He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

 

[JonnyBoy]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, he's still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation. A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them."
The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly,
"That was really nice, but listen very, very closely: Are ... my ... test ... results ... back?"

 

[TashyG]

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.
He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door.
He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

FANTASTIC!!!! this groupies getting a bit fanatical!!

 

[joecinq]

I didnt see it coming, class!

You know you won't be able to satisfy our lust ...for your jokes

 

[The Negotiator]

I know I can't compete with JB but....

A little longer
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" They hear the echo several times.
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!" One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" "For three reasons. One, he took a long time to answer; two, he was absolutely correct, and three, his answer was absolutely useless."

 

[JonnyBoy]

Heh, it's funny 'cos it true Paul

3 lepers playing cards. One laughed his head off, one cried his eyes out and one threw his hand in.

 

[The Negotiator]

Ooohhh, this is for A level mathematicians, past and present (remember logs, log a + log B = Log ab)

Noah's Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, "Go forth and multiply." Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" asks Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes; everybody is happy. Noah says, "So tell me how the trees helped." "Certainly," reply the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

 

[joecinq]

Ooohhh, this is for A level mathematicians, past and present (remember logs, log a + log B = Log ab)

Noah's Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, "Go forth and multiply." Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" asks Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes; everybody is happy. Noah says, "So tell me how the trees helped." "Certainly," reply the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

My maths teacher would love you made me laugh though

 

[TashyG]

Heh, it's funny 'cos it true Paul

3 lepers playing cards. One laughed his head off, one cried his eyes out and one threw his hand in.

Paul that mathematician one made me laugh!!!

so simple...yet so great!

 

[The Negotiator]

We used to try and treat out maths teacher to one a week and he would do the same to try to outdo us!

I like this one, had him laughing for ages:

Two male mathematicians are in a café. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second mathematician disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of maths. The first goes off to the toilets, and in his absence his companion calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats, "One thir - dex cue"? He repeats, "One third x cubed". "One thir dex cubed?" Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "One thir dex cubed..."

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point that most people do know something about basic maths. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks, "What is the integral of x squared?".

As instructed, the waitress says "One third x cubed," and while walking away, turns back and adds over her shoulder, "Plus a constant."

 

[JonnyBoy]

That snakes one is class

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to santa.

 

[TashyG]

We used to try and treat out maths teacher to one a week and he would do the same to try to outdo us!

I like this one, had him laughing for ages:

Two male mathematicians are in a café. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second mathematician disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of maths. The first goes off to the toilets, and in his absence his companion calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats, "One thir - dex cue"? He repeats, "One third x cubed". "One thir dex cubed?" Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "One thir dex cubed..."

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point that most people do know something about basic maths. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks, "What is the integral of x squared?".

As instructed, the waitress says "One third x cubed," and while walking away, turns back and adds over her shoulder, "Plus a constant."

 

[joecinq]

We used to try and treat out maths teacher to one a week and he would do the same to try to outdo us!

I like this one, had him laughing for ages:

Two male mathematicians are in a café. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second mathematician disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of maths. The first goes off to the toilets, and in his absence his companion calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats, "One thir - dex cue"? He repeats, "One third x cubed". "One thir dex cubed?" Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "One thir dex cubed..."

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point that most people do know something about basic maths. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks, "What is the integral of x squared?".

As instructed, the waitress says "One third x cubed," and while walking away, turns back and adds over her shoulder, "Plus a constant."

PMSL, almost in tears. I always forget the constant

 

[The Negotiator]

The waitress had done A level maths and knew with a non-definite integral you have to add a constant C! HAHAHA!

 

[TashyG]

The waitress had done A level maths and knew with a non-definite integral you have to add a constant C! HAHAHA!

oh yeah i knew that

 

[JonnyBoy]

Ugh, stop with the maths already! I'm in the middle of exam period and trying to do Booth's Algorithm in binary. Lousy computers

What's the difference between light and hard?
It's not as difficult to sleep with the light on.

What's the difference between a nymphomaniac and a bumpy road?
The bumpy road knackers your tyres...

 

[The Negotiator]

I will let you off Tashy, not getting that joke means you have some form of sanity, sorry Joe lol.

Seven is an odd number.
How do you make it even?
Take away the 's'!