The official BOO joke thread

[Ozric-Al]

OK all. The number of jokes we are getting lately is beginning to clog up the forum so we have decided to have a single thread for all jokes people want to post. Be it a gut-buster sent to you by email or one of Patrick's "Attila the Hun once quipped" antiques please post all your jokes on this thread only. New joke posts will be deleted.

All jokes will remain on here for approximately one week then we'll have a tidy up so that it doesn't become a pain in the ass to read.

So, bring it on!

 

[Jayfish]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," replies Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

 

[Jayfish]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

 

[Sabre 23]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

Or an appointment with the proctologist:

Mark.
Council estate lad.
And proud of it!
A battle of wits with the unarmed is no fun!
Member of the Guild of Experienced Motorists.

 

[Matt]

Why Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband

that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's

10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he

had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10

best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two

claimed that he was still there.

 

[Matt]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cause Jill's a pre-op tranny!

 

[MadGT]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

I have proof of water found on Mars!

BRAVO, why settle for anything less.

 

[Roberto]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."



Rob
Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX

 

[Roberto]

Guide to Zen

Guide to Zen


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just **** off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

5. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

7. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our bottom. From there on in, life gets worse

25. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know


Rob
Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX

 

[furry]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

skinny white man goes into a lift and looks at a huge black man who says "before you ask 7ft tall, 350lbs, 20" d**k and my balls weigh 3lbs each, Turner Brown" White guy faints, when he comes too he asks the black man to say that agin. Black man repeats his stats and says "my names Turner Brown" thank **** for that, i thought you said "TURN AROUND!"

www.digital-angels.co.uk bringing you what you want

Theres a bit of Bravo in all of us

 

[Roberto]

Making A Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted

Rob
Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX

 

[AlexW]

Get Bupa now!

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

 

[Roberto]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

If any ever tells you, you don't know Jack Schitt, read on..


WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well,
thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,
and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Rob
Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX

 

[Roberto]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

GRANDPA ON THE PORCH

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea"

Rob
Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX

 

[KeithR]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

Subject: FW: Geordie Salesman

HOW TO IMPROVE SALES:

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?
"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as
well gan fishing."

KeithR

 

[Kate]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

That was in a b-day card i saw this morning...




A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

 

[Kate]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

 

[Kate]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

 

[patrick]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

A white bloke is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes the bloke makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the bloke knows, he's in a beddroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them
and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is thickly covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; It's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one,
"I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to
be filthy rich, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me

 

[Roberto]

Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED

I get lots of hoax warnings, which don't usually scare me, but this one is important.

Please send this to everyone on your email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse.

This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.

I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so ashamed.

Rob
Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX