Oil Change

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Oil Change

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New member
Oct 22, 2004
The Mean Street's Of COVENTRY!!
Performing an Oil change: Everyone has its method!


1. Go to your local dealer/garage when the mileage done since last oil change is approximately 10.000 miles (or the recommended mileage for your make and model)
2. Drink coffee or tea while flicking through the latest fashion magazine or passing some life saving phone calls to your hairdresser or beauty parlour.
3. 30 minutes later, pay and leave the garage in your fully road worthy vehicle, ready for another 10,000 miles

Oil Change forfeit: £70
Coffee or tea: £0.50
Total cost: £70.50


1. Go to your local Halfrauds to buy Oil, Oil filter and stinking vanilla Hanging Tree Air-freshener (on offer obviously). In the nearby Tesco, buy cat litter (in the eventuality of any oil spillage) and washing-up liquid (to wash your paws afterwards)
2. Back home, realised that your used oil container is full. Instead of disposing of it in your local recycling facility, dig a hole at the bottom of your back garden and dispose of the used oil in it.
3. Have a can of beer.
4. Loose 30 minutes looking for your axle stands in your “Oh so Tidy” garage, jack the car and put the car on the axle stands.
5. Out of sheer frustration, drink another can of beer
6. Put an old pan underneath the car
7. Look for the adequate socket to undo the oil plug.
8. Abandon searches after half hours.
9. Undo the plug with a wrench.
10. Drop the oil plug in the pan burn you hand with the oil dripping down tying to retrieve the plug. Swear.
11. Tidy the mess.
12. Drink another can of beer while the oil drains.
13. Look for your tool especially design to get the oil filter out.
14. Abandon search after a quarter of an hour. Pierce the filter with a screwdriver and undo the old oil filter.
15. Beer.
16. A friend turns up. Finish the pack of beer with him; you will finish the oil change tomorrow.
17. Next day, remove the pan of oil form underneath the car. Empty it in the hole at the bottom of the garden. Re-fill the hole with soil using your hands.
18. Scatter cat litter around to absorb the oil obviously spilled during step 17.
19. Beer. Damn, none left, finished it yesterday with your mate.
20. Go to Tesco in the Mrs’ car. Buy a new pack of beer and return.
21. Pour the first litter of new oil in the engine.
22. Remember the oil plug lost in step 10
23. Run to the old pan to retrieve plug. Damn, it’s not there.
24. Remember that we emptied the old oil in the hole at the bottom of the garden, certainly WITH the plug.
25. In frustration, drink a beer.
26. Dig by hands the hole and retrieve the oil plug in the oil-soaked soil.
27. Realise that the litre of new oil is now on the garage floor (oops!)
28. Drink a beer.
29. Putting the plug back, the wrench slips and takes a bit of your finger off.
30. Swear (in profusion) and bang you head on the underneath of the car while brutally trying to stand up, following pain incur from step 29.
31. Swear again.
32. Knot a dirty cloth found in the garage around your finger, now bleeding and already full of oil and soil from the digging.
33. With rage, throw the wrench with force at the end of the garage, which end its course next to the tool to remove the oil filter that you looked for in step 13.
34. Beer.
35. Wash your hands and forehead and put clean necessary plaster on your cut.
36. Beer to calm down.
37. Beer, just to make sure you are calm.
38. Pour the remaining 4 litres of new oil in the engine.
39. Beer.
40. Take the car off the axle stands.
41. Accidentally break one of them in the process.
42. Get the car out of the garage so you can scatter more cat litter on the oil all over the garage floor from step 21.
43. Beer.
44. Quick blast in the car to check that everything is fine and to go and get some more beer at Tesco.
45. Get pulled by the old bill on routine control and get done for driving under the influence of alcohol.
46. Get thrown in a cell and wait for Madame to come and get you, while car is impounded.

Oil, Oil Filter, Vanilla Tree shape air-freshener: £50
Cat litter and washing-up liquid: £18
Beer: £25
New Axle Stands: £75
Police Penalty: £900 and 6 points
Cost of Car Impounded: £250
Total Cost: £1308 and 6 points:bang:

Which method would you chose next time???


MG ZR Owner :)
Feb 11, 2006
Hey vanilla magic tree's rule, they are yellow and disguise the smell of petrol vapour well. Anyway, Male method every time (y)
Aug 4, 2004
oh dear......still "only 6points"......thought it was a full on 2 year ban....

btw i find fiary liquid mixed with a tablespoon of aerial powder is very good for cleaning oily, muck laden hands.....
Last edited:
Oct 7, 2003
Carlisle, UK.
I hope that wasn't your method of oil change :eek: I go for the garage does it option but I'd kick their ass if they charged me £70 for it ;)


New member
Mar 8, 2009
clacton on sea
hi i was wondering wat type of oil i need as my seicento needs oil itys my 1st car it7s 2000 reg is there any think specific i shud gety
Jul 7, 2004


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Jul 7, 2004
hi i was wondering wat type of oil i need as my seicento needs oil itys my 1st car it7s 2000 reg is there any think specific i shud gety

Specifically you should get 15w/40. Semi-synthetic or fully synthetic. And a spell checker. ;)


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