Jokes

[KirstyTL]

Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

 

[JonnyBoy]

These jokes aren't nearly sick enough!

The world is becoming a really violent place to live in. Just the other day, in Boots, I punched a pensioner in the face.

Guy goes to a stranger in a bar: "I could have sex with any women in this bar tonight. Any."
Puzzled, the man looks back and simply says: "How?"
"I'm a rapist."

What do you do with a 6-foot arsehole?
Stick it behind a bridge and give it a speed camera.

Joe goes to his optometrist to have his eyes examined. The doctor tells him, "Joe, you've got to stop masturbating!" "Why, Doc?" Joe asked. "Am I going blind?" "No," said the optometrist. "But you're upsetting my other patients!"


And now the tone's suitably lowered, I'll be on my way...

 

[Vidal999]

These jokes aren't nearly sick enough!

The world is becoming a really violent place to live in. Just the other day, in Boots, I punched a pensioner in the face.

Guy goes to a stranger in a bar: "I could have sex with any women in this bar tonight. Any."
Puzzled, the man looks back and simply says: "How?"
"I'm a rapist."

What do you do with a 6-foot arsehole?
Stick it behind a bridge and give it a speed camera.

Joe goes to his optometrist to have his eyes examined. The doctor tells him, "Joe, you've got to stop masturbating!" "Why, Doc?" Joe asked. "Am I going blind?" "No," said the optometrist. "But you're upsetting my other patients!"


And now the tone's suitably lowered, I'll be on my way...

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

 

[The Negotiator]

This is genuinely awful, not even a joke:

If a pen runs, is it still stationery?

 

[Vidal999]

What is a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period.

 

[JonnyBoy]

What is a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period.

Brilliant!

 

[Vidal999]

Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room

 

[JonnyBoy]

You're stuck in a cage with George Bush, a psychotic tiger and a lion that has been starved for a week. You have a pistol with 5 bullets. What should you do?
Shoot Bush 5 times to make sure the f***er's dead.

If your dog is barking at the back door and the wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

What's the difference between a chavette and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only had 10,000 men.

Did you hear about the Irish rapist? He tied his victims legs together so they couldn't run away.

Scousers were complaining that there were not enough of them on TV, so the BBC said they would start showing crimewatch 3 times a week.

A dwarf walks into a pub, goes up to a leggy blond and says "Excuse me can i smell your fanny?"
"Absolutely not!" she rpelies.
"Well, it must be your f***ing feet then!"

 

[eve st2]

Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room

Does your wheel adjust Mr..............

 

[The Negotiator]

You're stuck in a cage with George Bush, a psychotic tiger and a lion that has been starved for a week. You have a pistol with 5 bullets. What should you do?
Shoot Bush 5 times to make sure the f***er's dead.


I like that one You know me

 

[Vidal999]

Q: Who made the first soft drink?
A: Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop

 

[Vidal999]

Does your wheel adjust Mr..............

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?
A: They can both drive you crazy.

 

[JonnyBoy]

A blonde and a brunette are walking through a park, when the brunette says "Awww, look at that poor litle dead bird". The blonde looks up to the sky and says "Where?"

Two cows in a field. Ones says "Are you worried about this mad cow disease?" The other replies "Doesn't affect me pal, i'm a helicopter".

Today was the best day of my life, I was walking down the aisle towards my wife, I gave her a kiss, the vicar said a few words...
... then he closed the coffin.

Two ducks are swimming on a pond. The first duck quacks, the second turns to him and says "F** me, I was gonna say that!"

 

[eve st2]

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?
A: They can both drive you crazy.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

 

[Vidal999]

Q: What did the blonde do after she brushed her hair?
A: Pulled up her pants.

 

[Vidal999]

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her a blonde joke.

 

[eve st2]

Why do men have a hole in their *****?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

 

[Vidal999]

Why do men have a hole in their *****?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What do blondes and shrimps have in common?
Their heads are full of ****, but the pink bits are nice.

 

[froggie 666]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

 

[Liam]

What do you call a blonde with her hair dyed brown?














Artifical Intelligence!

Liam