John H
Established member
Perhaps we should have a sweep...
I choose 7th June 2003 as the day it all gets road legal [:0]
I choose 7th June 2003 as the day it all gets road legal [:0]
JOKES
- Thread starter MikeWhitcombe
- Start date
Currently reading:
JOKES
OP
OP
I choose 4th July 2023
Cinqmeister - The NOS Guzzler in a class of his own
http://www.channel9.tk
'95 Cinquecento SX 0,9l
Cinqmeister - The NOS Guzzler in a class of his own
http://www.channel9.tk
'95 Cinquecento SX 0,9l
Being of an optimistic nature, I reckon Sunday 20 July 2003 [^]
Paul
Paul
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're
really not going to like
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to
have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex
with you within the next 3 minutes
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Pete.
Cinq sporting 1242cc
http://mysite.freeserve.com/close_to_cracking_up/
http://autos.groups.yahoo.com/group/Cinqs_and_Seis/
http://www.clubcento.co.uk/
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're
really not going to like
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to
have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex
with you within the next 3 minutes
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Pete.
Cinq sporting 1242cc
http://mysite.freeserve.com/close_to_cracking_up/
http://autos.groups.yahoo.com/group/Cinqs_and_Seis/
http://www.clubcento.co.uk/
OP
OP
All pretty much true...
All right absolutely true...
Cinqmeister - The NOS Guzzler in a class of his own
http://www.channel9.tk
'95 Cinquecento SX 0,9l
All right absolutely true...
Cinqmeister - The NOS Guzzler in a class of his own
http://www.channel9.tk
'95 Cinquecento SX 0,9l
Dillinger
New member
The following is a joke intended for people with an open mind and over 18. So if your a prude and/or under 18 (and un-willing to lie) then dont read any further.
THE FROG *:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others. He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and they'll have ex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with Mom, and he'll catch it,
.
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and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
---
THE FROG *:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others. He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and they'll have ex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with Mom, and he'll catch it,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
---
John H
Established member
I'd echo some of the other comments about the age of that one... it must be older than most of the people on this forum
ISTR it was the gardener and a hamster
ISTR it was the gardener and a hamster
mickymunch
New member
I have a joke:
WestHam
Mick
Cinquecento Sporting
WestHam
Mick
Cinquecento Sporting
John H
Established member
More "PC" oldies:
aesthetically challenged - ugly
amphibian American - frog
aquatically challenged - drowning
biologically challenged - dead
bovine control officers - Dallas Cowboys
Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged - white trash
certified astrological consultant - crackpot
certified crystal therapist - crackpot
certified past-life regression hypnotist - crackpot
chronologically gifted - old
client of the correctional system - prisoner
codependent - finger-pointer
constructivist feminist psychotherapy - psychobabble
creatively re-dyed - stained
cyclically challenged - having PMT
differently organised - messy
differently-brained - stupid
economically disadvantaged - welfare bum
economically marginalized - poor
energy-efficient - off
environmentally correct human - dead
equal opportunity employee - bisexual hooker
erectionally challenged - impotent
facially challenged - ugly
factually unencumbered - ignorant
fecally plenary - full of crap
female gender biased - prefers women who shave their legs
financially inept - po'
folically independent - bald
follower of Jimmy Swaggert - lost
genetically discriminating - racist
geological correction - earthquake
government employee - stupid
grammatically challenged - one who has difficulties with grammar or
(by extension)punctuation or spelling
gravitationally challenged - fat
horizontally challenged - thin
horizontally gifted - fat
in denial - unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
in recovery - drunk/junkie
intellectually impaired - stupid
living impaired - dead
maintenance hole - man-hole
male gender biased - prefers men who shave their chests
mechanically challenged - broken down automobile
melanin-impoverished - white
metabolically challenged - dead
microslothically Challenged - Windows user
monetarily challenged - poor
morally (ethically) challenged - a crook
morally handicapped - someone who has no other reason to park in a disabled zone
motivationally dispossessed - lazy
musically delayed - tone deaf
nasally disadvantaged - really BIG nose
nasally gifted - runny nose
nasally gifted - large nose
nitpicklike - humour challenged
one who is PC - target practice
ontologically challenged - fictional or mythological
osmotically challenged - Thirsty
other aged - too old/young (dual purpose)
outdoor urban dwellers - homeless
people of height - too tall
person of region - redneck
person of substance - fat
persons living with entropy - dead
persons of large stature - NY Giants
petroleum transfer technician - petrol station attendant
racially challenged - butt-white American
residentially flexible - homeless
rhythmically challenged - white boy
romantically challenged - not with somebody at the moment
rustically inclined - redneck
sanitation engineer - garbage man
sex care provider - prostitute
sexually focused chronologically
gifted individual - dirty old man
socially challenged - geek, nerd, whatever...
spacially perplexed - drunk
street activity index - crime rate
suffering from a sex addiction (female) - slut
suffering from a sex addiction (male) - stud
target equity group - vocal minority
uniquely co-ordinated - clumsy
verbally challenged - mute, dumb
vertically challenged - short
visually challenged - blind
aesthetically challenged - ugly
amphibian American - frog
aquatically challenged - drowning
biologically challenged - dead
bovine control officers - Dallas Cowboys
Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged - white trash
certified astrological consultant - crackpot
certified crystal therapist - crackpot
certified past-life regression hypnotist - crackpot
chronologically gifted - old
client of the correctional system - prisoner
codependent - finger-pointer
constructivist feminist psychotherapy - psychobabble
creatively re-dyed - stained
cyclically challenged - having PMT
differently organised - messy
differently-brained - stupid
economically disadvantaged - welfare bum
economically marginalized - poor
energy-efficient - off
environmentally correct human - dead
equal opportunity employee - bisexual hooker
erectionally challenged - impotent
facially challenged - ugly
factually unencumbered - ignorant
fecally plenary - full of crap
female gender biased - prefers women who shave their legs
financially inept - po'
folically independent - bald
follower of Jimmy Swaggert - lost
genetically discriminating - racist
geological correction - earthquake
government employee - stupid
grammatically challenged - one who has difficulties with grammar or
(by extension)punctuation or spelling
gravitationally challenged - fat
horizontally challenged - thin
horizontally gifted - fat
in denial - unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
in recovery - drunk/junkie
intellectually impaired - stupid
living impaired - dead
maintenance hole - man-hole
male gender biased - prefers men who shave their chests
mechanically challenged - broken down automobile
melanin-impoverished - white
metabolically challenged - dead
microslothically Challenged - Windows user
monetarily challenged - poor
morally (ethically) challenged - a crook
morally handicapped - someone who has no other reason to park in a disabled zone
motivationally dispossessed - lazy
musically delayed - tone deaf
nasally disadvantaged - really BIG nose
nasally gifted - runny nose
nasally gifted - large nose
nitpicklike - humour challenged
one who is PC - target practice
ontologically challenged - fictional or mythological
osmotically challenged - Thirsty
other aged - too old/young (dual purpose)
outdoor urban dwellers - homeless
people of height - too tall
person of region - redneck
person of substance - fat
persons living with entropy - dead
persons of large stature - NY Giants
petroleum transfer technician - petrol station attendant
racially challenged - butt-white American
residentially flexible - homeless
rhythmically challenged - white boy
romantically challenged - not with somebody at the moment
rustically inclined - redneck
sanitation engineer - garbage man
sex care provider - prostitute
sexually focused chronologically
gifted individual - dirty old man
socially challenged - geek, nerd, whatever...
spacially perplexed - drunk
street activity index - crime rate
suffering from a sex addiction (female) - slut
suffering from a sex addiction (male) - stud
target equity group - vocal minority
uniquely co-ordinated - clumsy
verbally challenged - mute, dumb
vertically challenged - short
visually challenged - blind
Hey!! I heard that []
Actually Donz, "if" may be more accurate according to members of my wife's family
Steve the geriatric Panda owner
(Me or the car? Actually, you're right on both counts)
Oh, and I almost forgot:
rule!
]Actually Donz, "if" may be more accurate according to members of my wife's family
Steve the geriatric Panda owner
(Me or the car? Actually, you're right on both counts
)Oh, and I almost forgot:
Subject: Did I send this to you already. Funny, I don't remember.
Since I am 50+ years old I thought this was kind of amusing.
NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there
is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most
advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1955!
Symptoms of the Senile Virus! :
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
Remember???????????
I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen.. I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...
I don't know about you guys'n'gals, but this is just about true !!
Steve the geriatric Panda owner
(Me or the car? Actually, you're right on both counts)
Oh, and I almost forgot:
rule!
Since I am 50+ years old I thought this was kind of amusing.
NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there
is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most
advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1955!
Symptoms of the Senile Virus! :
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
Remember???????????
I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen.. I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...
I don't know about you guys'n'gals, but this is just about true !!
Steve the geriatric Panda owner
(Me or the car? Actually, you're right on both counts
)Oh, and I almost forgot:
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
>Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year
>old grandmother and comfort her.
>When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
>"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
>
>Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
>having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
>
>"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
>age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
>start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
>Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She
>paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream
>truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Oi oi![8D][8D]
>Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year
>old grandmother and comfort her.
>When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
>"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
>
>Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
>having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
>
>"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
>age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
>start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
>Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She
>paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream
>truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Oi oi!
[8D][8D]
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that
the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this
happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third.
By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the
bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests
were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honour, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the
bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."
Oi oi![8D][8D]
the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this
happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third.
By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the
bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests
were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honour, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the
bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."
Oi oi!
[8D][8D]CentoEvo
Established member
LOL very good mate
"The Not so Fast but Furious"
Who cares about my post count - it's all about quality not quantity!!
(at least thats what i tell myself anyway)
"The Not so Fast but Furious"
Who cares about my post count - it's all about quality not quantity!!
(at least thats what i tell myself anyway)
OP
OP
Oups!
Cinqmeister - The NOS Guzzler in a class of his own
http://www.channel9.tk
'95 Cinquecento SX 0,9l
Cinqmeister - The NOS Guzzler in a class of his own
http://www.channel9.tk
'95 Cinquecento SX 0,9l
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN HOWARD
If George said that it did, then yes it did, if it didn't then so be it.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2003.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS
Quick, did you see what way it went ?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Steve the geriatric Panda owner
(Me or the car? Actually, you're right on both counts)
Oh, and I almost forgot:
rule!
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN HOWARD
If George said that it did, then yes it did, if it didn't then so be it.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2003.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS
Quick, did you see what way it went ?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Steve the geriatric Panda owner
(Me or the car? Actually, you're right on both counts
)Oh, and I almost forgot:
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
Oi oi!
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
Oi oi!
Tommy Cooper one-liners :
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The
other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste
funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog
up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant
calls out:
'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do
the same
thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the
books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He
said 'Yes,
this my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was
nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.' He said
'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom
in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said
(campily) 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I
was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And
the dentist said
to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I
went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Oi oi!
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The
other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste
funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog
up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant
calls out:
'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do
the same
thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the
books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He
said 'Yes,
this my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was
nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.' He said
'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom
in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said
(campily) 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I
was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And
the dentist said
to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I
went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Oi oi!
CentoEvo
Established member
Tommy Coopers the best...... just like that!
"The Not so Fast but Furious"
Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh .......
Steve the geriatric, NOS guzzling Panda owner and beagle fanatic ...
Steve the geriatric, NOS guzzling Panda owner and beagle fanatic ...
