joke

[Smee]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a *****?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched with the tip of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had contact with a *****?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Yolanda sticks her ass in it!"

 

[Smee]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife **** on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

 

[Smee]

Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.
Amber: I called a boy a mother ****er last night.
Priest: Why did you do that?
Amber: He kissed me.
THe priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?
Amber: yes.
priest: Is that why you called him a mother ****er?
Amber:no, then he grabbed me butt.
The priest grabbed her butt.
priest: like this?
AMber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother ****er?
Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.
THe priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?
Amber:yes.
Priest : Is that why you called him a mother ****er?
Amber: no, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.
The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.
Priest: Like this?
Amber: yes
priest: Is that why you called him a mother ****er?
Amber: no
Priest: then why did you call him a mother ****er?
Amber: He had herpes!
Priest: MOTHER ****ER!

 

[Smee]

A middle aged woman was in hospital after a car accident with a coma. Her husband was by her side holding her hand and talking to her hoping she will come out of the coma back to conciousness.
The doctor walks in and says "It's not looking good, there's not much more we can do to help your wife sir."
The husband asked "Well, what else can be done doctor? I've been sitting here for days by her side holding her hand & talking to her".
"That may not be enough" the doctor added "you may have to try something more intense, maybe even oral sex"
The husband looks at the doctor very surprised and a little embarrassed "You sure doctor? How can that work?"
"Well , it's more stimulating than just holding her hand." And the doctor leaves the ward.
5 minutes later, the loud warning beep of the intesive care monitor rings out loud throughout the entire floor as the doctor and a team of nurses rush in to the woman's aid.
"My god!" shouted the doctor "your wife is dead! what happened?"
The husband while zipping up his pants said "I think she choked!"

 

[dawn_of_time]

LMAO @no.3

Ive heard the others before

 

[Smee]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

 

[panda_gal]

lmfao they have cheered me up i was having a **** day