Humour

[angie-B]

Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!", says Dave, "When are you going out?"

"Well, I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my ***** to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible.", says Dave.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

 

[angie-B]

does anyone want anymore?

 

[angie-B]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet
rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on
its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said,
"Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his
legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George
holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

[angie-B]

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell
you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the
crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit
me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to
women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye
black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church
saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her
dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me
saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't
like this, so I pushed it back in!"

 

[angie-B]

i just had a revisit to these, i know i posted them, but i still love them

 

[esseffe]

Ireland had there worst airplane disaster when a two-seater cessner aircraft crashed into a graveyard early this morning. So far 800 bodies have been recovered but they are expecting to find more bodies as the digging continues through the night.