Humour

[angie-B]

Just a little bit of fun for you


Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

 

[angie-B]

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

 

[angie-B]

Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a
few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and
everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a
problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it.
After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not
really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch
black, you dye your hair." "I most certainly do not," she
replied. "I bet you ten bucks you do," he said. She saw that
this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for
all the other children to leave the class and took off her
pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the
hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked
sullenly out of the room.

A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I
finally taught him a lesson," she said. "The hell you have," his
father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your
c*nt before the end of the day."

 

[angie-B]

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties
on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and
said "Did you like what you saw?
Mike said "Yes I did."
She said, well you can get more than that but it will cost you
$500."
So Mike thought about this financial situation and said O.K.
She said come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.
Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.
Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"
She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact,he did."
Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it
with you."

 

[angie-B]

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If an American Air Force plane, carrying Mr. & Mrs Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly would be no great loss."

 

[Smee]

PMSL

Smee

 

[jamie86]

Lmao!
Some quality jokes i agree!

 

[angie-B]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even have a #2 anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."



"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a #2?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a #2 every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

[angie-B]

16 reasons alcohol should be served at work


1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
"gross."

 

[angie-B]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.

Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

[angie-B]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny (as always). With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the door and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?? Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they are all sleeping!"

Her: "No ways. It's just too risky!" Him (horny as hell): "Oh pleeaaase, if you love me you will do it." (that old school trick - but it still works though)

Her: "No, no, no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?!.....I beg you!"

!" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up on her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice says: "Mum says go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for ****' sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom...."

 

[angie-B]

if i repeat any i apologise now, i am loosing track of what i have put up

 

[angie-B]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs
over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN
PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole
gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't
make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with
a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third,
there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta
make things right for her. " The guy says, "Well, as much as I
would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a
gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez
zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with
a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers
out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening
roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into
the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

 

[Guzzi Steve]

L.M.A.O.

 

[angie-B]

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he'a a goner!"

 

[angie-B]

I was doing some gardening after some heavy winds at the weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?".

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?".

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

My wife wasn't sure what I was doing and again said, "What?".

I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".

My wife replied that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next her left breast, then she pointed to her bum, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I was going to even come close to understanding that one. So, exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?".

She replied "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

 

[angie-B]

A Russian, an American, and a Mexican were riding in a hot air balloon. The balloon was too heavy and started to sink. The American said, "Quick, we have to throw out things we don't need." So the Mexican threw out all his Tequilla and said, "In my country we have a lot of those". The Russian threw out all his Vodka and said, "In my country we have a lot of those."

The American threw out the Mexican.

 

[angie-B]

This man, he's driving home from the dealership in his brand new BMW, so he's thinkin "hey, i'm gonna test this bad boy's speed" so he pins it, and he's flyin along, and this cop see's him, so he flicks on his lights and starts to pursue the man, the man sees the lights and thinks "a cop can't outrun a brand new BMW" so he just keeps going, then finally, in the reality of the moment, the guy thinks about it, and pulls over. The cop comes up, it's friday, the end of his shift, and he doesn't wanna do anymore paper work, so he tells the guy "If you can give me an excuse that i've never heard before, your off the hook" so the guys sits there and thinks for a little bit, then he looks at the cop "well, my wife ran off with a cop last week, i thought you were tryin to give her back" "have a nice weekend"

 

[angie-B]

i know some of you will have heard these but i will keep them coming just incase you havnt.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified, he decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn omes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB

 

[Guzzi Steve]

BLIMEY!!