Humour

[angie-B]

A fly is hovering 6 inches above a lake. In the lake is a fish and the fish thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches I can jump out and eat it". Now on the edge of the lake there is a bear and the bear thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches the fishwill jump out to get it then I can grab the sfish and eat it". Just behind the bear is a hunter and the hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump out to get it then the bear will grab the fish and while it's distracted I can shoot it". Behind the hunter is a mouse and the mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump out to get it then the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot it, and the cheese will fall out of his pocket and i can eat it", behind the mouse is a cat and the cat thinks, " If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump out to get it then the bear will grab the salmon, the hunter will move forward to shoot it, drop his cheese, the mouse will grab the cheese and while it's distracted I can grab it and eat it". Just as the cat thinks this the fly drops 6 inches, the fish jumps out, eats it then the bear eats the fish the hunter shoots the bear, drops his cheese, the mouse grabs the cheese, but the cat overjumps and lands in the lake. The moral of the story, "every time a fly drops 6 inches, a ***** gets wet"

 

[angie-B]

There's a hillbilly with three ducks who gets pulled over by the game warden.

The game warden says: What you got here boy, you got a license to hunt in Tennessee?

The hillbilly pulls out a Tennessee huntin' license.

Then the game warden grabs the first duck and sniffs its ass. Then he says: this here duck is from Alabama, you got an Alabama huntin' license?

So the hillbilly pulls out an Alabama huntin' license.

The game warden grabs the second duck and sniffs its ass. He says: this here duck is from Kentucky, you got a Kentucky huntin' license.

So the hillbilly pulls out a Kentucky huntin' license.

The game warden grabs the third duck and sniffs its ass and then says: this here duck is from Mississippi, you got a Mississippi huntin' license?

So the hillbilly pulls out a Mississippi huntin' license.

The game warden is pist off at this point, and says: Just where the hell you from boy?

The hillbilly turns around, drops his pants, and says: Sniff my ass, you're the expert!

 

[angie-B]

one day a man was driving in his car. suddenly a cop pulled him over. the cop said, "dot worry, your not in trouble, you got a good driving award for wearing your seatbelt" as the cop started for his car, the man said "wow, i thought i was pulled over for not having my liscense"
the mans wife, who was sitting in the passenger seat said quickly, "dont listen to him officer, hes a moron when hes drunk!"
then the man's friend, who was in the back seat, said, "i knew we wouldnt get too far in this stolen car!"
then as the man was being taken out of his car, a knock came from the trunk ans a voice said "are we over the boarder yet?"

 

[angie-B]

Have you ever read...

"50 yard Dash to the Outhouse"by Willy Makeit and Bet Hewont.

"Yellow Sheets" by I. P. Freely

"Night of the Tigers" by Cluade Balls

"Play with Knives" by Dick Begone

 

[Shakey]

lol nice one!

 

[Guzzi Steve]

I am saving this fred to my computer!! Haven't laughed so much in ages!

 

[angie-B]

i can get more would you like them?

 

[jamie86]

i say yeah!

 

[angie-B]

The Weakest Link, BBC1/BBC2
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels,
travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were
written
by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?


Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

Family Fortunes, ITV
1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitlers first name ? Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? Jock
9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
14) A famous Royal ? Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with
wings
16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate
19) A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs ? The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac ? April
22) Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep
24) Something you put on walls ? A roof
25) Something Slippery ? A conman
26) A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white ? A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies ? Bananas
30) Something Red? My sweater

The Afternoon Programme Quiz, ABC 774
Presenter: Who killed Cock Robin?
Contestant: Oh God, I didn't even know he was dead.

Lincs FM phone-in
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the
world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in
Spain.

Steve Wright Show, Radio 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: The leader of the orchestra plays which musical instrument?
Contestant: The baton.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Expresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant : Sydney




BBC Radio Newcastle
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel
last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four.


Daryl's Drivetime, Virgin Radio
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

 

[angie-B]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered:
"An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"

 

[angie-B]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...











































The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...
























































































































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

 

[angie-B]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing, "he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention."

 

[angie-B]

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it:

Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

 

[angie-B]

some of these jokes are a bit yukky but they are still funny

One day Will complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Will figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in rehab.

Your wife is pregnant with twin boys.
Their not yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop wacking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

 

[angie-B]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets
sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce
the swelling," and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just lost it."

 

[angie-B]

The parents of a first-year college student recieved this note from their daughter:

Dear Mom and Dad
Univer$ity life i$ $o awe$ome! Cla$$e$ are $upri$ingly intere$tins, and my friend$ and the cla$$mate$ are the be$t at thi$ $chool! The only thing i$ that I need a little ca$h, ya know for book$ and $tuff?
Love,
Ca$$ie


After reading it, they sent aan appropriate response:

Dear Cassie,
NOt much is happening here in the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwest university. See you at Thanksgiving in NOvember? Write to us again when you have the the time. Have to go NOw.
Love,
Mom and Dad

 

[angie-B]

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

 

[angie-B]

Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think I'm old enough to start cussing."
Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"
Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."
Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all the time.
They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"
He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."
Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"

 

[angie-B]

is that enough?

 

[angie-B]

Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the c ockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke. While in the pit, the pilots high five.
"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day their gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."