Warning: Asda Scam

[Booth]

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Asda customers. This one caught me by surprise.
In the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough ti think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:*
Two seriously good-looking European 20-21 yr old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a cloth and soapy water, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. Its impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they get in to the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you,while the other one steals your wallet.*
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, and again on the 17th and finally the 20th.
So tell your friends to be careful.*

P.S. Poundland are selling wallets in 4 different colours for a pound each.

 

[dave]

whoo hoo getting the old jokes before we even pulled our crackers

 

[custard]

lol,i knew it just from the title

 

[pooroldcodger]

Dammit. I was just about to offer to get some last minute shopping from Asda !

 

[Davren]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He
deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....


.......thank you for shopping at Asda

 

[pooroldcodger]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He
deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....


.......thank you for shopping at Asda

It's a cracker!
I used to know a version 10 years ago where he added some engine oil from his sump. The "doctor/computer" added:
"and by the way - your headgasket's gone!"