A
Anonymous
Guest
COPY OF A LETTER FROM A FARMER IN MELBOURNE TO AN INCOME TAX DEMAND.
Dear Sirs,
Your heated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope without a stamp. My son and I have gained much pleasure from it reflecting on the past.
You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago and could not understand why not. Well, here is the reason…
In 1970 I bought. A sawmill on credit; in 1971 I bought a team of horses, two ponies, a timber wagon double barrelled shotgun and two razor backed pigs, all on credit. In 1972 the bloody mill burned down to the ground leaving not a damned thing. One of my ponies died and I loaned the other to a stupid bastard who starved the poor bugger to death. Then I joined the church…
1973 my father died and my brother was hanged for raping a pensioner.
A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the bastard £500 to prevent him becoming a relative.
In 1974 my son got mumps which spread to his balls and the poor lad had to be castrated to save his life. I went fishing and the rotten boat overturned drowning two of my lads, neither being the one who was castrated.
In 1975 my wife ran away with the shepherd and left me the twins as a souvenir... I employed a housekeeper and later married her to keep the expense down.
I had a Hell of a job trying to make her pregnant, so I saw the doctor who advised me to create some excitement- at the crucial moment. That night I took a shotgun to bed with me, and, at the time I thought was right, I leaned out of bed and fired the gun through window. Result – the wife **** the bed; I ruptured myself and shot the best damn cow I ever owned.
In 1976 some joker cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was buggered completely so I took to drink. I carried on drinking until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a **** kept me busy for quite a time. After a year I took on heart and bought on credit a manure spreader, reaper, binder and a car. My wife got V.D. from a salesman and another son (still not the one that was castrated) wiped his arse on a poisoned rabbit skin and died from infection.
You can imagine my surprise upon reading that you will cause me trouble if I do not pay up. If you can think of any trouble that I may have missed out on, please let me know. Trying to gets any money out of me is like trying to poke a pound of butter up a porcupines arse with a red hot needle. I am praying for a shower of skunk **** to pass your way and I hope the centre of it is over the bunch of bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.
Regards
Dear Sirs,
Your heated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope without a stamp. My son and I have gained much pleasure from it reflecting on the past.
You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago and could not understand why not. Well, here is the reason…
In 1970 I bought. A sawmill on credit; in 1971 I bought a team of horses, two ponies, a timber wagon double barrelled shotgun and two razor backed pigs, all on credit. In 1972 the bloody mill burned down to the ground leaving not a damned thing. One of my ponies died and I loaned the other to a stupid bastard who starved the poor bugger to death. Then I joined the church…
1973 my father died and my brother was hanged for raping a pensioner.
A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the bastard £500 to prevent him becoming a relative.
In 1974 my son got mumps which spread to his balls and the poor lad had to be castrated to save his life. I went fishing and the rotten boat overturned drowning two of my lads, neither being the one who was castrated.
In 1975 my wife ran away with the shepherd and left me the twins as a souvenir... I employed a housekeeper and later married her to keep the expense down.
I had a Hell of a job trying to make her pregnant, so I saw the doctor who advised me to create some excitement- at the crucial moment. That night I took a shotgun to bed with me, and, at the time I thought was right, I leaned out of bed and fired the gun through window. Result – the wife **** the bed; I ruptured myself and shot the best damn cow I ever owned.
In 1976 some joker cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was buggered completely so I took to drink. I carried on drinking until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a **** kept me busy for quite a time. After a year I took on heart and bought on credit a manure spreader, reaper, binder and a car. My wife got V.D. from a salesman and another son (still not the one that was castrated) wiped his arse on a poisoned rabbit skin and died from infection.
You can imagine my surprise upon reading that you will cause me trouble if I do not pay up. If you can think of any trouble that I may have missed out on, please let me know. Trying to gets any money out of me is like trying to poke a pound of butter up a porcupines arse with a red hot needle. I am praying for a shower of skunk **** to pass your way and I hope the centre of it is over the bunch of bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.
Regards