jokes

[smee]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous

On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Smee

 

[Anonymous]

An engineer, of BMW died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and
your motor vehicles have changed the world, your reward is; you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven".

The engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room and introduced him to
God. He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said,
"Ah, yes."

"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,"hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the
engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours!"


Smee

 

[Anonymous]

Deleted

 

[Anonymous]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine
and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said,
"No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant
women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied,
"You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson"


Smee

 

[Anonymous]

Lmao

Daz