Getting back with ex?

[Gli Azzurri]

Hey all, thanks for taking the time to read this.

I probably shouldn't base an important life decision on what somebody else advises, but hey, it would be nice to have the opinion of somebody TOTALLY independent of me and indeed my ex.

Basically, got together with a girl last January, to be honest i'm only 22 now and she was my first proper relationship. The first few months were magic, and we were both really happy. She'd told me about her upbringing, i won't go into too much detail but it was grim, she's been abused in every different way and her mother died in her infancy, leaving her with only a deadbeat father. All of that never seemed to bother her though, she was always upbeat and that helped me. I'm a long sufferer of clinical depression and she was working wonders for me.

But 6 months in, cracks started to show. At this point we were spending ALL DAY every day together, she couldn't find work and i was a lazy student who never really did any work. We began to argue a lot, mostly about her lack of trust for me. She'd always accuse me of being up to no good, and although she didn't explicitly make me stop talking to other girls (previous friends), i did in order to keep the peace.

Then, whenever we'd go out, she'd accuse me of staring at another girl or chatting up a barmaid (apparently ordering a drink is chatting up). So then after that we couldn't go out any more, even though at the start of the relationship we'd socialise all the time.

Then, when we were watching television, she'd fly off the handle if i stared at a girl for too long, so i had to start being careful about where my eyes were focused ALL the time, i felt trapped, she had a hold on me that i couldn't shake. Ok maybe i let her do all this to me, but i just wanted a quiet life!.

Plus, she'd call me a pervert, all the time. Sometime for no reason, we'd just be going along in the car and she'd say 'Pervert'. To be honest it was driving me insane.

It was at this point i was having thoughts about packing it in, i was 22 years old and wasn't allowed to go out to pubs or have any female friends.

It all came to head about 5 weeks ago, if you couldn't have guessed, the girl had a temper problem (inherited from her c*** of a a father). Rather than ask me nicely to wash up (i woulda done it no problem), she said "F****** do the washing up". I just laughed and went to walk the dog. As i was walking off, she started knocking **** outta the wall in our flat, even managed to crack breeze block. Easily a couple of hundred quids worth of damage.

I'd stayed with her for this long because i thought i could help her, help her control her anger and learn to trust men (she seemed to have a hatred for blokes in general). But as soon as she starts destroying my wall, she was out on her arse.

The other reason i stayed with her was because all this nastiness aside, she's a fantastic girl. She's the only girl who's ever looked passed my physical flaws and given me a chance, she was wonderfully affectionate, and was just so damn cute. Plus, looks wise, she's way outta my league. (Although her self esteem was at rock bottom).

I even got engaged to her! in an effort show my commitment and stop her fretting about me doing a runner, but that didn't bloody work.

Now it's been about 5 weeks, she's technically homeless and living with her sister or something. I do miss her, it's hard sometimes. I wonder if i'm ever gonna find a girl with all the positive sides of her again. I know she misses me a **** load too, maybe know she knows i have it in me to bin her, she'll behave herself a bit better?

All just a bloody mess!

My mates say i defo shouldn't get back with her, because they've seen some of the **** she's put me through, but they haven't seen her other side, the other side i fell in love with.

Bloody women :bang:

 

[Most Easterly Pandas]

I'd leave her, if she's capable of smashing a house up once, where will it end next time??

She's some big issues by the sounds of it, and possibly needs help (I'm not too clued up on these things, so could be wrong)?

That's just my opinion. If you do give it another go then you both need to have a long hard chat about the relation ship to date to work out where and why its gone wrong to try and prevent the same happening again.

 

[scout]

Avoid like the plague. She won't change without years of professional help and you'll always be her target for revenge. Don't worry there's someone out there that is perfect for you, don't jump into hell in search of heaven.

 

[AndyRKett]

Walk away, and don't look back

You're still young and regardless of your overall opinion of her, no body needs that sort of stress in their life, i can't really add anymore to what has already been said above.

 

[Ulpian]

Sorry, but that girl is permanently damaged. Avoid like the plague! She told you to wash up and then you took the dog for a walk - did you discuss the washing up first I wonder - and then smashed up the house! Now look, this isn't normal! She also seems to be very crude and nasty. Do you want a woman like that to be the mother of your children? But she wouldn't be because it looks like social services would get involved and probably end up taking the kids away, if she's that violent.

Another truth is that the big problems can sometimes be worked through , but the petty ones can't, they just niggle until one or other of you explodes. You seem to have problems of your own, but don't think she is the answer to your own insecurities, she isn't .

You are twenty-two. Before you can live comfortably with another person you need to find yourself. This girl may well have had a vile upbringing, but that's not your problem I'm happy to say, and she will only keep bringing you down.

Address your own poor self esteem and one day you will probably run into a decent, balanced, normal girl that you can build a life together with. You say she is affectionate and cute: no, your dog is affectionate and cute, she a is a person and you need to find other words to describe her good qualities, which appear to be few and far between, or non existent!

The girl you speak of is a Nutter. She'll keep bringing you low, if you let her. It's now up to you. Let her go, and if she comes back tell her to leave as you know full well you have no future together. Doubtless when she wants something from you she'll be as coy and sweet as a sweet thing, and the second you reject her she'll turn into the vile monster that she has been brought up to be.

There are lots of films made about manipulative monsters. Just keep them on celluloid, and in real life avoid like the plague.

Walk....... Then run.... Away!

 

[Liquid Knight]

Robs eight rules for relationships.

Hi there and welcome to my eight rules for relationships. Before I tell you what they are I feel it would be prudent of me to explain why I have them in the first place.

I’m the kind of person that likes to try to bring order to the universe. There has to be a rational, logical and scientific explanation for everything. Like a wave hitting a beach for example. At first glance and to most people this appears to be a random event; but once you take into account all the varying factors such as water to air temperature ratio, surface tension, thermodynamics, aqua-dynamics, the gravitational pull from the Moon, centrifugal forces of the Earth rotating, Newtonian laws of motion (conservation of momentum etc), the molecular density of the water, salt and other pollutant content, barometric pressure, wind speed and so on you can formulate all the variables and work out that the wave hitting the beach isn’t a random event at all but predictable and of a calculable frequency.

Something that even Darwin would have struggled with is the complexities of human relationships. Why do they work in some cases and not others? How can two people who are psychologically specking polar opposites get along as well as some do? In the animal kingdom it’s a lot simpler. Establish the “Alpha” male and mate to protect the species. Basic survival of the fittest, with our allegedly more advanced society however there are many more variants that makes relationships about as predictable as a wave hitting a beach (see how the analogy works now?). So with a little help from some of my friends and my personal experiences I have come up with a simple set of eight rules to follow for success with the opposite (or not if that’s your thing) sex.

If you do not or are not willing to learn from your mistakes you are doomed to repeat them over and over again. So these rules are designed to bypass mistakes myself and my friends have made in the past.

These rules are for entertainment purposes only and do not actually guarantee any kind of success. Basically if after reading this you don’t end up living happily ever after you can’t sue me. So there.


Rule 1

The Generation gap.

Never choose a new partner who is more than five years younger or older than you. Five years older would be for most “Mrs Robinson” territory. Five years younger and you run the risk of looking like a pillock and dating would be like babysitting. Whilst the physical side of things may well be exceptional the emotional and maturity level could find you struggling to engage in conversation. Unless you want to be a toy boy or sugar daddy that is.

Rule 2

Distance.

Make sure your new partner lives more than ten miles away from you. Why? Well the last thing you want is to be living in one and other’s pockets. You’d get fed up of each other and things could turn sour quickly. If you consummate the relationship with someone from your own neighborhood you are putting yourself at the risk of undue and unwanted attention. If it goes well you could end up the local “go to guy” and have women propositioning you in your local shop because they've heard you’re good in the sack (not as good as it sounds believe me). This could cause problems because you’re in a relationship and not interested and could cause offence resulting in a knock on your door for their much bigger brother in a misplaced act of (“Aint my sister good enough for yer!”) chivalry. If it goes badly and the sexual chemistry isn't there then you know by the time the damp patch has dried out everyone who passes you in the street will know all about it and you may as well forget about ever asking anyone else out in that area again.
If the relationship goes well it can be really annoying when people you hardly know but know your partner better stop and talk to you about it. Also if the relationship goes badly you can’t buy fish and chips or drink in your local for a while.
So how exactly do we come up with ten miles you may ask? Well this is because of an incident that happened to a friend. He slept with another girl and his partner found out about it, dumped him and decided to bang the heck out of his door at three in the morning screaming “Why don’t you love me? How could you do this to me? I let you do me.....” etc. Ten miles would require a taxi ride or lift to achieve this. So the Lambrini fueled rage would be limited to your answer machine, email, texts, Twitbook and your pet rabbit.

Rule 3

Work colleagues should stay that way.
Imagine all of the above in the confined space of an office. Now multiply it by ten and add a “Sexual Harassment” dismissal to your CV if you as much as look twice at an ex once it’s all gone wrong.
Also at work if the relationship goes well, everyone else in the office will be jealous (even if they say they’re not) and either complain about it to the boss or throw a spanner in the works some other way. Usually gossip around the water fountain would do the trick. It is impossible to keep a relationship at work a secret, changes in body language and other tells will always give you away. If there’s a “no fraternisation” clause in contract expect a congratulations card with a P-45 attached if you were to get engaged. Again with the physical side of things if all goes well you’ll be the office stud and spend a lot of your day in the stationary cupboard (avoiding Bar-bra-less from accounts) or if it doesn't go well you be the office joke and spend a lot of your day in the stationary cupboard crying to yourself. The Lambrini rage I mentioned earlier is worse when sober and via internal email. Especially if you accidentally reply to everyone on the network by clicking the wrong box (like my mate Matt did).

Rule 4

Never go out with anyone who has been introduced to you via a “friend”.
Obvious one this but it has to be said. If a “friend” introduces you to a girl it means one of two things.
1/ His girlfriend is fed up of you hogging her man so has set you up.
2/ He has set you up to get a stalker of his case.
If “1” is the case and all goes well there’s a weird obligation for your “friend” who got you two together to be the best man at the wedding. This will have repercussions. The best man speech will be crap, his partner will have a smug “I told you so” face on all day and your actual best friend will feel rejected. If things don’t work out in this instance you will lose your friend because he will be put into a position by his partner that it’s you (now aka the Devil) or her. A win-win situation for her because she has either palmed you off on an acquaintance of hers or got shot of you by default. (Please note the word “will” has been used in all of these instances as there is no question of certainty; they will happen.)
If “2” is the case and all goes well prepare to be laughed at by your “friend” for the rest of your life and the most humiliating best man speech and stag do in recorded history. This is because he has managed to get rid of someone he wouldn't look twice at or has “been there; done that”. If it goes pear shaped he’ll buy you a pint for getting the stalker away from his bunnies and she will then stalk you until she either finds or you point her in the direction of someone else.
There is of course a third option. If your “friend” doesn't need inverted comers and genuinely feels you would get along with a genuine friend of his or hers. This is very dangerous territory. If you mess this one up you could lose a real friend and blow a chance of a serious relationship. This is why that kind of arrangement is destined to fail. So politely decline but show interest. Then your friend won’t feel guilty if it goes wrong and you can give them partial credit if it goes well.

Rule 5

Never ever go out with the same person twice.

Once it’s over it’s over. Seriously, if she dumped you she’ll do it again and again and again. You may as well change your name to “Door Matt”. “It’ll be different this time” “I've changed” oh and the classic “I’m in a different place now”. Ignore all of the above or suffer the consequences. You have been warned.
If you dumped her she will be happy to go back out with you (provided you didn't do a hatchet job on her). Just as you get into a comfort zone she will either dump you, cheat on you or worse simply out of spite. “Hell hath no fury” is not just a saying. Every argument will end in her mentioning the fact you dumped her once already “you might as well do it again”.
If you’re in a position that you both decided that a relationship wasn't the best way and you remain friends. Don’t go back out with her or him. It will just highlight the issues you had before and you’ll lose a friend as a result.


Rule 6

Timing.

Never go out with someone you fancied ages ago and just happened to bump into years later. It’s like the poster of a car you had on your bedroom wall growing up. It may have been the best car in the world but by the time you got to drive one you will only ever be disappointed.
If you like someone do something about it. It’s like a scratch card, one rub with a coin and it is either “win or lose”. Don’t waste your time waiting for the draw. If it’s someone who lives nearby or you work with (taking into consideration the other rules of course) then it will look strange knowing someone for a period of time and not asking them out until you do. You will either look like a stalker or a pillock. To quote a well known phrase “don’t mug yourself” tell her or him and see what happens. Happily ever after or not; it will only ever cost you a conversation.

Rule 7

Bisexuals.

Sorry about this one but from an interesting experience I have decided that bisexual women are trouble and my friends who have consulted about this agree to some extent. It’s bad enough going out with someone knowing you have to compete with the members of the same sex. Remember the whole Alpha male thing from the animal kingdom? Well our brains are still pre-programmed that way; after all we are just animals ourselves and we at least at a subconscious level see other males as predatory and feel the need to safeguard our position with the Alpha female. If the Alpha female is interested in other females as well it can send our pre-historic brains back into the cave and see everyone as a potential threat to the relationship. This can make even the most basic of social gatherings troublesome. If you are looking over your shoulder the whole time you will lose her.
Before you interrupt with the ubiquitous “Woo-who! Bisexual girls mean threesome!” This is about relationships not sex. Besides however good you think you are with women another woman will run rings around you in the bedroom department. Also in a relationship with a bisexual (unless it is purely sexual) I have found that monogamy in the relationship covers both genders. My bisexual partners in the past have never cheated on me with another man or a woman.

Rule 8

And finally the most important rule of all.

Only ever break three rules.
Like the wave hitting the beach there are several different factors to take into consideration when it comes to relationships. Some are predictable but these are not easily calculable or quantifiable to an extent that an exact guide can’t be formulated. The complexities of human nature itself is something that can be partly explained but vary so much from one person to another that trying to come up with a definitive answer is an act of futility.

So what’s the point of having a set of rules where one of the rules allows you to break the rules?

It simply punctuates the irony of trying to make a set of rules in the first place. All the psychology, biology, physics, anatomy, paleontology, quantum physics and other sciences in the world can’t help predict the impossible.

Best of luck, Rob.

 

[Gli Azzurri]

Thanks to all for the replies. I'm quite glad NOBODY said get back with her, all it woulda took was one person saying 'Get back with her she's the one' and i would have done it.

But there is a consensus, among my personal friends and my fiat friends, avoid like the plague.

It's gonna be hard for me i think, i can still see a damaged girl crying out for someone to love and care for her, i tried that, with my whole heart, and she ultimately just abused me.

Plus, to be honest i'm not really into women (not in the gay way). I just don't really get along with them on a personal level, but me and her really clicked. I guess i'm just a bit scared of being 60 and regretting leaving her.

I think i'll always care for her wellbeing, what would you guys say to keep in contact? I think she wants to still see me from time to time, we have a lot of common friends etc. so i will probably see her again soon. Is it cool to hug and stuff?

Thanks for all the help guys

 

[Liquid Knight]

You can care and be there but keep it as a friend.

Two of my best friends are ex's we have a unique perspective.

 

[Ulpian]

Repeat. Avoid!

She isn't a friend because friends don't behave like that, so please, don't kid yourself.
It worries me that you suggest that you are so impressionable that even one person here saying, 'go on, give it a go', might have influenced you to get back with her.

She will make lots of people's lives miserable, just don't let one of them be you.

And remember, lots of people have horrendous starts in life and become very decent, balanced, adults. If your description is only in part the whole truth then this girl is one to avoid.

Also, by the time you are sixty you will probably have few if any of the friends you have now, and if you have a full and happy life she will just be a sad memory. We all have those, but we rationalise them and move on.

Now, move on. If she keeps turning up in groups of friends than I would suggest you get new friends. There are over seven billion people in the world, so there are lots of new people out there to meet ...

 

[Gavv8]

Makes me laugh that you could afford to go to the pub and own a car without a job....

 

[AndyRKett]

Makes me laugh that you could afford to go to the pub and own a car without a job....

have you never been a student ?

 

[oldhammer]

idont get involved in domestics,so ihavent read it all,

its your life.. follow your gut instincts,

 

[dave]

hold on everyone is saying dont get back with her but she might be a rich Nymphomaniac who sucks like a dyson, we need more info pics and video

 

[GrandeGuy]

You'd end up stabbed!

And it'll get to the stage where you won't be able to leave the house cos "you'll be cheating" it won't get better just worse.
Let someone else deal with it, because one thing I've learnt in life is no matter how good or great they were someone better always turns up.

 

[oldhammer]

hold on everyone is saying dont get back with her but she might be a rich Nymphomaniac who sucks like a dyson, we need more info pics and video

ihad one of them once, but it had teeth like shreks donkey, no win situation,

 

[hennabm]

There's an old saying that a Leopard never changes its spots.

If she's like this now - how do you think she'll be in another 20 years time - or how will you be!!!

Use the thing in the corner of the room and close it fast behind you. There will be the right girl for you somewhere - but not this one.......

 

[Gli Azzurri]

Repeat. Avoid!


It worries me that you suggest that you are so impressionable that even one person here saying, 'go on, give it a go', might have influenced you to get back with her.

It's because some part of me misses her like a whole in the head. This is the stupid part of me.

I'm gonna stop being a ***** and call time on this, i think i'd rather die alone than die miserable and full of hate.

RE going to the pub and having a car, the car cost me 300 quid, and we do get student grants for books and ****, doesn't mean these things have to be spent on books

 

[Most Easterly Pandas]

RE going to the pub and having a car, the car cost me 300 quid, and we do get student grants for books and ****, doesn't mean these things have to be spent on books

Its surprising what you can learn when at the Pub also :devil:

 

[Stephenhayden69]

Your young mate. 22. You lucky sod.
You obviously have a caring nature and that's a nice quality to have, but the problems the young lass has will take years of counciling to overcome and she needs time to grow and develop . You may be able to say we can be friends but she will no doubt want to get back with you and that will just cause same problems.
Wish her the best. Tell her you care but tell her she needs to seek help for her past.
None of it's her fault and she needs to be told that.
Good luck dude.