o/t joke

[patrick]

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him; and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from; so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"


She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children.


His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.


"Holy Crap" he says, "are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped me with some wet celery?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

 

[patrick]

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN GLASGOW TOO LONG WHEN...

1. YOU SAY "PISH" ALL THE TIME!

2. YOU SAY "AYE" ALL THE TIME!

3. YOU END SENTENCES WITH "MAN" I.E.. "THAT PLACE IS PURE PISH, MAN! AH'M > NO' GOIN' THERE, MAN!"

4. YOU THINK McEWANS LAGER IS GREAT, IGNORING THE FACT IT "TASTES OF PISH MAN"

5. YOU GET AN URGE TO DECK EVERYBODY YOU MEET.

6. YOU DECK EVERYBODY YOU MEET.

7. PEOPLE SEEM TO BE SCARED OF YOU WHEN YOU TELL THEM WHERE YOUR FROM.

8. YOU AUTOMATICALLY GET THE URGE TO KILL ON HEARING THE WORDS "EDINBURGH" > OR "ENGLAND"

ARE YOU LIVING TOO CLOSE TO GLASGOW?

THE TELL TALE SIGNS ARE:

1. YOUR MISSUS HAS A POSTER OF ANDY GORAM SMILING.

2. YOU LET YOUR 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER SMOKE AT THE DINNER TABLE IN FRONT OF HER KIDS.

3. YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES AND STILL HAVE THE SAME IN-LAWS.

4. YOU THINK A WOMAN'S "OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE" BECAUSE SHE ASKS FOR A GLASS WITH HER TENNENTS SUPER.

5. THE PHRASE "THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!" REMINDS YOU THE OFF-LICENCE HAS JUST OPENED.

6. YOU WISH YOUR TOILET WAS AS CLEAN AS THE ONE IN THE BUS STATION.

7. AT LEAST ONE MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY HAS DIED RIGHT AFTER SAYING "HEY,WATCH THIS!"

8. YOU THINK DOM PERIGNON IS A MAFIA LEADER.

9. YOUR WIFE'S HAIRDO IS RUINED BY A CEILING FAN.

10. ONE (OR MORE) OF YOUR KIDS WAS CONCEIVED ON A PUB POOL TABLE.

11. YOUR BACK DOOR COAL BUNKER IS IDEAL FOR THE ROTTWEILER TO RAISE ITS PUPS.

12. YOU ONLY NEED ONE MORE STAMP ON YOUR CARD TO GET A FREEBIE AT TAM'S TATTOOS.

13. YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED TO YOUR CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART BECAUSE OF THE CURRENT BESTIALITY LAWS.

14. YOU THINK "LOADING THE DISHWASHER" MEANS GETTING YOUR MISSUS PISHED. AND FINALLY.....

15. THE SOUNDTRACK ON YOUR WEDDING VIDEO ENDS WITH THE LOUDHAILER MESSAGE: "THIS IS THE POLIS!"

 

[patrick]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2utPdqb_b8

 

[Roberto]

All top drawer as usual

Rob

Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX

 

[Mike]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7Hm4SoEo6k&NR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sm88Hy9__3o&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MM0mMCq6-9o&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcAOsF3S5P4&mode=related&search=

 

[Matt]

lol, you're patter's pure pish but I nearly spilt ma McEwans on the dug's heed I wus laughin so hard