joke

[Smee]

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He'd never been with a woman like this before, but he decides what the heck it's only twenty bucks.

They're getting friendly for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

 

[Smee]

Fourth time married


A middle-aged man and woman met, fell in love and got married.

On their wedding night they settled into the bridal suite and the wife said to her new husband, "Please promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."

"But how can that be?" the startled husband said. "You've been married three times before."

"Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My second husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

And my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was.... God, I miss him!"

 

[Smee]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"

 

[Smee]

A good wife


John wakes up after the annual office Christmas party with a splitting headache and cotton-mouth, and is unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After going to the bathroom, he makes his way downstairs, where his wife puts a cup of coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moans, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she says, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors and insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," John says. "**** on him."

"You did," she replies, "and he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" John says.

"I did," she replies. "You're back at work on Monday."

 

[Smee]

Just like a baby


A man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious.

The man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's.

He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his ***** was also like a baby.

She said that she loved him and size didn't matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel.

The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting.

As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry honey," he said.

She took her nightgown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.

He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his ***** being like a baby.

As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your ***** was like a baby!"

"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

 

[Smee]

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

 

[Smee]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee and says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."