joke

[Anonymous]

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a ****ING silencer for a handgun.

Smee

 

[Anonymous]

Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

 

[Anonymous]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ****ing beautiful!'"

 

[Anonymous]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because", he replied, "that's a microwave.

 

[Anonymous]

Once there was a plane crash over the Sahara desert

Only three women survived

A blond, a redhead and a brunette

So as they were wondering in the desert looking for water when they find this very old lamp

So they rub it

A genie comes out of the lamp grateful for his freedom and it grants each one of them of one wish

First the blondie says "I want to be ten times smarter!"

And so the genie snaps his fingers and she turns into a redhead

Then the redhead woman says "I want to de 100 times smarter!"

And again the genie snaps his fingers and the redhead turns into a brunette

Finally its the brunette's turn and she says "I want to be 1,000 times smarter!

The genie then asked "Are you sure ?"

She says with all of her might "Yessssssssssssssss"

So he snaps his fingers and turns her into a man!

 

[Anonymous]

So a man was out golfing one day when he hit his ball into the woods.

he went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to him, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The man freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your wife will get 10 times more or better!"

The man said, "That would be okay," and for his first wish, he wanted to be the most handsome man in the world.

The frog warned him, "You do realize that this wish will also make your wife the most beautiful women in the world, that men will flock to."

The man replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most handsome man and she will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - he's the most handsom man in the world!

For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world. The frog said, "That will make your wife the richest woman in the world and she will be ten times richer than you." The man said, "That will be okay because what is mine is her's and what is her's is mine."

So, KAZAM he's the richest man in the world! The frog then inquired about his third wish, and he answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: men are clever. Don't mess with them!

 

[Anonymous]

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it. Out popped a genie.

The genie said, "Okay, okay...you released me from the lamp, blah blah blah blah blah! This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel! No. Think of another wish."

The man said okay and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

 

[Mike]

Dont' take these too seriously folks!!

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Kevin Keegan is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Keegan attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Keegan. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Keegan replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"

Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick

LOL

 

[mathew]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."