been after making one of these for a while now and finally found the instructions! thought id share them here for all to use. maybe theyll be made a sticky?...somewhere?
You will need:
A house
A large sheet of rubber
Rubber cement
Around 100m of rope
Tools. Lots of tools.
A large number of monkeys.
A huge sack of monkey incentive. Lemon curd works well, but you could also try pork scratchings. A nice shiraz would probably be appreciated by your little simian buddies.
Pipes. Lots of pipes. Big pipes.
Two jet engines.
A length of scaffolding. A very long length. Or, several shorter lengths.
A few other random bits and bobs
A length of chain
A big drum
Some form of bearing, capable of taking large axial loads. LandRover part number FTC 1197 should do.
Some concrete
A football or basketball. Or beach ball.
A 60 gallon drum.
And some spare time. An hour and a half should do.
Beer. A lot of beer. Lots of beer. A whole heap of beer.
Got everything? Good, here we go.
We'll do the easy bit first: The system synchronisation module.
First, build a sturdy tripod out of some of the scaffolding. On top of this, mount the bearing, oriented to rotate about a vertical axis. Next, use the remaining scaffolding to build a large cross piece on top, so that it can rotate in a horizontal plane, like some sort of giant catherine wheel that's fallen onto it's side.
Next, on the ends of the cross piece, no, sod it, we'll call it a rotor, mount the two jet engines. Ah ha! It is a giant catherine wheel! The 60 gallon drum will be the fuel tank for the engines, and is best mounted in the centre of the cross piece, above the bearing.
To finish the system synchronisation module, cut a small hole in the football/basketball/beachball/donkey stomach, dangle the end of the chain in it and fill with concrete. You now have a heavy ball on the end of the chain. Fasten the other end of the chain to one end of the cross piece rotor. Finally, position the drum so that upon each rotation of the rotor, the concrete ball on the end of the chain bangs the drum.
Ha! You will now find that upon starting the engines, the rotor will rotate, banging the drum every rotation. Varying the fuel flow to the jet engines will vary the speed of rotation.
Right, next bit. Building the actual pump.
We are going to build a positive displacement pump. This type of pump works by having a chamber that can change in volume and two one-way valves, one arranged to let fluid or gas into the chamber, and one that lets the fluid or gas out of the chamber. As the chamber expands, the fluid is drawn in through one valve, and when the chamber contracts, the fluid is forced out of the chamber. In this case, the house is to be the chamber of the pump. Remove all internal walls and floors for efficiency.
While you're at it, remove one side wall. Replace this side wall with the sheet of rubber, and fasten one end of the rope to the centre of the rubber sheet. When the rope is pulled, the rubber sheet will get pulled outwards, increasing the volume of the house. releasing the rope will decrease the volume of the house. Now for the valves. Let us assume the house has a front door and a back door. If there are any extras, seal them up. Now, external doors generally open inwards. This is fine for the inlet valve, but one door will need turning round so that it opens outwards so
it can work as the outlet valve.
Finally, connect the pipes from the inlet valve to whatever you're pumping, and from the outlet valve to wherever you're pumping to.
That's the construction finished. Next, using the sack of monkey incentive, train your monkeys to pull the rope when they hear a drum beat and then release it.
You're ready.
Start the jet engines. The rotor of the synchro module will start to rotate, giving a drum beat every revolution. Upon every drum beat, the monkeys will pull the rope, stretching out the rubber sheet, and drawing fluid into the house. When the monkeys release the rope, the rubber sheet will return to it's original position, expelling fluid from the house. Et voila! A pump. I'd suggest starting at about 30-45 pumps per minute, until the monkeys get the hang of it, before increasing gradually to a rate of about seventeen thousand revolutions per minute.
This pump was originally developed for the gold mines of the Lincolnshire Fens. Bromine was pumped into the mine shaft, where it dissolved the gold, before being pumped out again whereupon the gold was extracted from the solution. This system needed two pumps, but due to their relative proximity, only one synchronisation module was needed. Unfortunatly the scheme was abandoned when it was discovered that gold doesn't actually dissolve in bromine. And there's no gold in the Lincolnshire Fens. Which are mainly swamp. And there's no monkeys there.
Have fun!
You will need:
A house
A large sheet of rubber
Rubber cement
Around 100m of rope
Tools. Lots of tools.
A large number of monkeys.
A huge sack of monkey incentive. Lemon curd works well, but you could also try pork scratchings. A nice shiraz would probably be appreciated by your little simian buddies.
Pipes. Lots of pipes. Big pipes.
Two jet engines.
A length of scaffolding. A very long length. Or, several shorter lengths.
A few other random bits and bobs
A length of chain
A big drum
Some form of bearing, capable of taking large axial loads. LandRover part number FTC 1197 should do.
Some concrete
A football or basketball. Or beach ball.
A 60 gallon drum.
And some spare time. An hour and a half should do.
Beer. A lot of beer. Lots of beer. A whole heap of beer.
Got everything? Good, here we go.
We'll do the easy bit first: The system synchronisation module.
First, build a sturdy tripod out of some of the scaffolding. On top of this, mount the bearing, oriented to rotate about a vertical axis. Next, use the remaining scaffolding to build a large cross piece on top, so that it can rotate in a horizontal plane, like some sort of giant catherine wheel that's fallen onto it's side.
Next, on the ends of the cross piece, no, sod it, we'll call it a rotor, mount the two jet engines. Ah ha! It is a giant catherine wheel! The 60 gallon drum will be the fuel tank for the engines, and is best mounted in the centre of the cross piece, above the bearing.
To finish the system synchronisation module, cut a small hole in the football/basketball/beachball/donkey stomach, dangle the end of the chain in it and fill with concrete. You now have a heavy ball on the end of the chain. Fasten the other end of the chain to one end of the cross piece rotor. Finally, position the drum so that upon each rotation of the rotor, the concrete ball on the end of the chain bangs the drum.
Ha! You will now find that upon starting the engines, the rotor will rotate, banging the drum every rotation. Varying the fuel flow to the jet engines will vary the speed of rotation.
Right, next bit. Building the actual pump.
We are going to build a positive displacement pump. This type of pump works by having a chamber that can change in volume and two one-way valves, one arranged to let fluid or gas into the chamber, and one that lets the fluid or gas out of the chamber. As the chamber expands, the fluid is drawn in through one valve, and when the chamber contracts, the fluid is forced out of the chamber. In this case, the house is to be the chamber of the pump. Remove all internal walls and floors for efficiency.
While you're at it, remove one side wall. Replace this side wall with the sheet of rubber, and fasten one end of the rope to the centre of the rubber sheet. When the rope is pulled, the rubber sheet will get pulled outwards, increasing the volume of the house. releasing the rope will decrease the volume of the house. Now for the valves. Let us assume the house has a front door and a back door. If there are any extras, seal them up. Now, external doors generally open inwards. This is fine for the inlet valve, but one door will need turning round so that it opens outwards so
it can work as the outlet valve.
Finally, connect the pipes from the inlet valve to whatever you're pumping, and from the outlet valve to wherever you're pumping to.
That's the construction finished. Next, using the sack of monkey incentive, train your monkeys to pull the rope when they hear a drum beat and then release it.
You're ready.
Start the jet engines. The rotor of the synchro module will start to rotate, giving a drum beat every revolution. Upon every drum beat, the monkeys will pull the rope, stretching out the rubber sheet, and drawing fluid into the house. When the monkeys release the rope, the rubber sheet will return to it's original position, expelling fluid from the house. Et voila! A pump. I'd suggest starting at about 30-45 pumps per minute, until the monkeys get the hang of it, before increasing gradually to a rate of about seventeen thousand revolutions per minute.
This pump was originally developed for the gold mines of the Lincolnshire Fens. Bromine was pumped into the mine shaft, where it dissolved the gold, before being pumped out again whereupon the gold was extracted from the solution. This system needed two pumps, but due to their relative proximity, only one synchronisation module was needed. Unfortunatly the scheme was abandoned when it was discovered that gold doesn't actually dissolve in bromine. And there's no gold in the Lincolnshire Fens. Which are mainly swamp. And there's no monkeys there.
Have fun!
