Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of
the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cake again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date.
All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Stephen's Day. They may
find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of
the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cake again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date.
All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Stephen's Day. They may
find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
