**OT** - Absolutely rubbish joke..........

[Ozric-Al]

....but I do like this I must admit. It's THAT BAD!: -

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old
>>china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
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>>   Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being.
>>Anything you want after all you're the guv'
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>>But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This
>>time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want
>>20 decks one on top of the other".
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>>"20 DECKS!" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever
>>you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just
>>like last time?"
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>>"Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right. This time I
>>want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
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>>"Fish?" queries Noah.
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>>"Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I
>>want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
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>>Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me
>>get this right, you want a New Ark?"
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>>"Check".
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>>"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
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>>"Check".
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>>"And you want it full of Carp?"
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>>"Check".
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>>"Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but
>>surely getting to the end of his tether.
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>>Scroll down everyone! It's the best ever !!!!)
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>>  "Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a  Multi-Storey
>>Carp Ark".

 

[Ozric-Al]

And another corker!

Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't
employ him until he  passes a little maths test.



"Here's your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using

numbers, represent the number 9."



"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy."
and proceeds

to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks.



"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree
makes nine," says

the Irishman.



"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Apply

the same rules using the number 99, this time."



The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks
up the

picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on
each tree. "Dere you

go."



The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do
you get that

to represent 99?"



"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree,
and dirty

tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."



The boss starts getting worried that he's actually
going to have to

give the Irishman the job, so he says,"All right,
final question: same

rules again, but represent the number 100."



The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks
up the

picture again and makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says,

"Dere you go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out:
"You must be nuts if you think that represents a
hundred!"



Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the
marks at the base  of each tree, saying: "A little dog
came along and crapped by each tree.So now you've got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and
dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So,
when do I be starting the job?!"

 

[KeithR]

My Word.....

KeithR

 

[Anonymous]

best joke of all time tho is...

2 monkeys running a bath

one says to the other "OHHH OHH AHHA AHHA AHHH"

the other says "WELL put some ****ing cold in then u idiot"



Smee

 

[Anonymous]

the irishman jokes hilarious,

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state.

Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee and as they are by a church, they decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard.

When finished, they both realize that they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.

The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to sacrifice them, then notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.

'Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags thebouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task completed, the women continue staggering home.

Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night.

"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station".


Pete





BravO 1.8 GT (Import)
T reg 1999
Abarth Kit, Leather, Power Flow Cat back,
Sparco Strut Brace, JBL Sub, Crap amp!

 

[Richard]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

[Richard]

Freak or unique?

http://www.wimp.com/talent/

 

[Richard]

Re: Freak or unique?

Here's a few amusing observations I found:-

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON®, how do they make TEFLON® stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

I don't believe in reincarnation, but I did in my past life.


--------------------

 

[Richard]

Dont cheat

BEER/WINE MATHEMATICS


DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have a pint or a glass or two of wine. (try for more than once)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)

3 Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50. I'll wait while you get the calculator................

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755. If you haven't, add 1754

6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.



You should have a three-digit number






The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have a pint week).

The next two numbers are .......




YOUR AGE! (OH YES, IT IS!!!!! )

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

 

[tREV]

Re: Dont cheat

An irishman man goes to his foreman asking for a new wheelbarrow,
Whats wrong with it asks the foreman
Its going.....
squeak





squeak







squeak


replies the irishman
your sacked said the foreman
it should be going
squeak squeak squeak!!!!!!!

 

[Dan Brown]

Re: Dont cheat

A panda walks in to a bar.

Bartender: "what can I get you?"

Panda: "a pint of beer and......... a packet of crisps"

Bartender: "of course mate, but why the big paws?"

 

[Ozric-Al]

Re: Dont cheat

Well done Dan. That is genuinely rubbish.

"What's the word on the street Huggy Bear? "

http://www.billhicks.com/
http://www.geocities.com/ozrictentacles_web/

Abarth Valve Caps
Bonnet Lifters
Personalised High Level Brake Light
Starsky Cardigan

 

[josh]

another terrible paddy joke

paddy is looking for a job, walks into a local office and asks the clerk behind the desk if there are any jobs going,

the lady turns and says to him "if you can make a sentence with the word 'Contagious' in it we'll give you an interview"

Paddy thinks long and hard about this then suddenly turns and says to her
"i asked Murphy to build me a wall in my garden the other day and it took the "cont ages"

 

[BlackBravo]

Re: another terrible paddy joke

Quote
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Pete





BravO 1.8 GT (Import)
T reg 1999
Abarth Kit, Leather, Power Flow Cat back,
Sparco Strut Brace, JBL Sub, Crap amp!

 

[Richard]

"Irish who wants to be a millionare"

This is an Irish version...........

He's reached £500,000. Chris asks him the big question for 1 million.

"Paddy, for £1 million, who was the Great Train Robber ? Was it ....

A. Ronnie Barker ?

B. Ronnie O'Sullivan ?

C. Ronnie Corbett ? ... or was it ...

D. Ronnie Biggs ?


Paddy say's..."I'll take the money"

Chris reminds him that he still has his three lives left.

Paddy again says .... "I'll take the money"

"You don't want to call a friend ?" says Chris.

"No, I'll take the money"

"Give him a round of applause. Paddy goes away with £500,000" says Chris.
"Before you go, you'll obviously want to know what the answer was ?"

Paddy said "No, I know it anyway"

"Are you mad ?" asks Chris.
"Are you mental ?"
Paddy says "I might be mental ..... but I'm not a grass"

 

[cynic-al]

Re: "Irish who wants to be a millionare"

Paddy and murphy are digging on a building site, murphy finds 3 live grenades in the ground and calls paddy over and asks,

"what should do wid dese tree live grenades i found?"

Paddy says "you'd better take em to de gaffer!"

murphy questions "what if one of dem blows up?!"

Paddy replies "Ah just tell im der were only two"