Film Script Help

[Kier]

I made a thread a while ago about two ideas that I had for a film idea for college. I've changed it slightly to what my orginal idea was, as I couldn't think of a way to develop the characters.

Below is my script so far, because its rather long I've added it as an attachment.

The person named 'Rory' didn't mean to kill his girlfriend, however I want to get the point across that he doesn't know what to do next. I also need to add in there somewhere about him having a criminal record (For a non violent crime, thats important), which is one of the reasons why he doesn't know what to do, as he doesn't think the police will believe him when he says what happens.

I was thinking about adding it when they are having dinner, but not 100% sure if it would work.

Does anyone have any ideas? The script isn't finished yet (About 50% of the first draft done so far). But the middle part (Rory and women having dinner) is important.

I also need a name for 'Women', if anyone can think of anything.

Thanks

 

[EmmaM88]

I think personally it is all a bit of a coincidence that she lands on the knife. There's got to be another way of her getting stabbed than 'walking into the knife'.

I think the rest of it is pretty good, the meal stuff which was your main concern seems fine. The ending is good, I just think the actual stabbing needs altering a bit thats all.

 

[CLXCraig]

As Emma just said, it's a bit corny that she falls on the knife. When RORY turns round, have him turn round and then he stabs her. As for a name, Lauren, simple, but not hugely common.

As for mentioning the criminal record, perhaps mention over dinner how the anniversary(their first?) means so much to him because the year they've been together has changed him, not done anything like he would have before, " i once got a criminal record for blah blah, but since we've been together i've changed so much"

Summin along those lines. Hope that helps

 

[Kier]

I think personally it is all a bit of a coincidence that she lands on the knife. There's got to be another way of her getting stabbed than 'walking into the knife'.

I think the rest of it is pretty good, the meal stuff which was your main concern seems fine. The ending is good, I just think the actual stabbing needs altering a bit thats all.

Yeah, I really couldn't think of anything else. The ending is in fact the start of the film (Or will be once the script is finished). I'm currently thinking of a way from him holding the body on the floor, into the suitcase. This is where the having a criminal record part came in, and as it was for a non violent crime, its meant to show it really was a mistake.

Thanks for looking, its put my mind at rest a bit with the meal part.

 

[CLXCraig]

Thats ok, Any more help i'm sure anyone on here ould be happy to help. i'd like to read the end script when its done!

 

[Kier]

As Emma just said, it's a bit corny that she falls on the knife. When RORY turns round, have him turn round and then he stabs her. As for a name, Lauren, simple, but not hugely common.

As for mentioning the criminal record, perhaps mention over dinner how the anniversary(their first?) means so much to him because the year they've been together has changed him, not done anything like he would have before, " i once got a criminal record for blah blah, but since we've been together i've changed so much"

Summin along those lines. Hope that helps

Is the stabbing a mistake though? Although I could make it a mistake. If anyone has read (or watched the film) 'Of Mice And Men', when Lennie kills the mouse, dog and women, it was all a mistake, and he really didn't mean to, thats the kind of thing I want (although, Rory doesn't have any problems, it was just a mistake).

And Lauren is a good name for it, think I will use that name, thanks .

 

[CLXCraig]

I think with "Of mice and men" lennie is introduced as this big powerfull bloke. its kinda expected. So if it's not a mistake, you need to develop Rory's character, perhaps he tickles or pokes her as a joke, then over steps the mark this one time?

Its put a whole new twist on it for me know you have said that it wasnt a mistake.

 

[ThisBitterPill]

I'm not sure whether you are thinking of getting into script writing at all, but if you are I'd say you need to really look at the way the characters talk to each other. It's not what you'd call 'natural' at the moment.

The death scene as mentioned above needs a bit of work. Not only is the stabbing clumsy, but usually a person would take a long time to die from a stomach wound....Maybe explain in more detail what has happened.... Is she in shock?....Is she coughing up blood?....She just dies and then he starts crying!....Where is his own phone?...Why doesn't he try to revive her....Put yourself in his place and try to recreate it in the script.

Finally, if you are thinking of developing your writing you really need to look at your grammar and spelling. The most glaring example is using WOMEN instead of WOMAN....It also makes the dialogue hard to read at times as a lot can be ascertained from the way someone says something.

Sorry for sounding harsh but hopefully your work will benefit!

Keep us updated!

 

[Kier]

I think with "Of mice and men" lennie is introduced as this big powerfull bloke. its kinda expected. So if it's not a mistake, you need to develop Rory's character, perhaps he tickles or pokes her as a joke, then over steps the mark this one time?

Its put a whole new twist on it for me know you have said that it wasnt a mistake.

The last bits confused me lol. I like the idea of him tickling her, and then going to far for example.

I'm not sure whether you are thinking of getting into script writing at all, but if you are I'd say you need to really look at the way the characters talk to each other. It's not what you'd call 'natural' at the moment.

The death scene as mentioned above needs a bit of work. Not only is the stabbing clumsy, but usually a person would take a long time to die from a stomach wound....Maybe explain in more detail what has happened.... Is she in shock?....Is she coughing up blood?....She just dies and then he starts crying!....Where is his own phone?...Why doesn't he try to revive her....Put yourself in his place and try to recreate it in the script.

Finally, if you are thinking of developing your writing you really need to look at your grammar and spelling. The most glaring example is using WOMEN instead of WOMAN....It also makes the dialogue hard to read at times as a lot can be ascertained from the way someone says something.

Sorry for sounding harsh but hopefully your work will benefit!

Keep us updated!

At the moment I'm definatetly not thinking of going into script writing (I cant stand it tbh), radio is the thing for me. As this is only my first draft, I cant be arsed to check spelling/grammar (Plus its generally **** anyway lol).

The main reason for me not going into detail about her dying is because it was rushed during lesson, and I needed to put something down.

The reason for me making it so he doesn't do anything is because hes in shock himself. Its easy for someone to say 'I know what I would do if this happened to me', but when it comes down to it, most people would panic I believe. The film is only 8-10 minutes long as well, so I cant have it going into loads of detail when its not needed at the moment.

And I dont think it was that harsh

 

[ThisBitterPill]

And I dont think it was that harsh

 

[Kier]

Ok, I've added a bit more to it now, changed a few bits. I'll upload it in a bit.

Main changes are:

Rory explains how his life has changed since meeting Lauren, how he used to be on drugs and shop lifting. And why he has a criminal record.

Added a small part which explains why he comes across the suitcase.

When Rory is putting Lauren's body into the suitcase, there are flashbacks of them together over the last year or so. This was mainly because I wasn't quite sure how to film putting someone into a suitcase. Plus I dont think I'll have access to a huge suitcase. So it wouldn't be very nice to try and force the person to get in .

What do you think of those parts added? I still have some time to add/delete stuff if needed, the first draft needs to be in on Tuesday along with the camera script. Which is why the ending might seem a little rushed.