You guys have it all wrong. What you need is a Panda Cross with a lift kit and oversize all terrain tyres, like from Nitto. That way you'll never worry about handling, corner speed, grip, all those things ever again! Think about it:
Miss an apex? Next time aim RIGHT AT IT! Who cares if there's a giant curb right at the entry of the corner, just drive right OVER the apex instead! Feel the satisfaction of hitting your head on the window instead of hitting the apex as your car gets up on two wheels!
Trying to carry your corner speed but understeer scrubbing your momentum? Running wide towards the embankment and into the hedges? Cornering is overrated anyway. Hit that gas pedal and JUMP THAT BUSH! Get some air and feel the excitement of LEAVING THE ROAD BEHIND rather than trying to hold on to it. What good are ramps and ditches if you don't have the suspension travel and tyre compliance to jump them anyway?
Sport Contact? Super Sport? Pah, what do they know about sport. Mountain climbing is a sport. Long jumping is a sport. Gymnastics is a sport. Laying flat on the road and holding onto the asphalt isn't a sport, so why should your tyres act like it is? Where's the fun in that? Get yourself some BF Goodrich Mud Terrain tyres. Go on, you've earned it.
Maybe I'm not so good at this whole 'advice' thing...
