Crap jokes

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Crap jokes

JonnyBoy

Fat pigeon... APPLE!
Joined
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<font face="Arial Black">Every other internet forum I've ever seen has at least one thread dedicated to crap jokes. So I think it's about time we had one too.</font id="Arial Black">

To start with:

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman "Got any fish?". Barman says "No, we don't serve fish".
An hour later the duck returns, and asks the barman "Got any fish?".
Barman says "I told you, we don't serve fish!".
Anpother hour passes, and the duck goes back into the pub and asks the barman "Got any fish?".
By now the barman's getting a bit pissed off with the duck, and he says "I told you twice, NO we don't serve fish, and if you ask me that once more I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar. Now F*** OFF!".
An hour later, and, predictably, the duck waddles back into the bar. He says to the barman "Got any nails?".
Barman replies, "No".
"Got any fish?"

It's a cracker [8D]

------/F/I/A/T/------

Fart In A Tin
<font color="orange">1994 Punto 55SX, metallic red with black bumpers, 3-door, small, Italian and beautiful! </font id="orange">
 
guy having an eye test,
optician: you're gonna have to stop masturbating
guy: why? is it affecting my eyesight?
optician: no, you're putting me off

99 Brava 100 HSX with not enough mods
 
An Alien walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager. Barman says sorry, can't serve Aliens. The Alien says if he buys everyone a drink would he serve him then. Barman says Ok, but just this once. Everyone has a drink and the bill is £211:36p. Alien says 'Can you change a Kwonk?'

Oi oi!:D[^]:D[^]
 
101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO

"I'd love to, but..."

1 I'm busy.
2 I'm gay.
3 My Proctologist takes priority.
4 I have to floss my cat.
5 The President said he might drop in.
6 The man on television told me to say tuned.
7 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
8 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
9 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
10 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 There's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm a lesbian trapped inside a man's body.
19 I'm a gay trapped inside a woman's body.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 My patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 I have to spend more time with my blender.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat
more dots.
34 I'm taking a punk-rock totem pole carving night class.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or
other.
38 I have frequent gas attacks.
39 My plot for world conquest is culminating.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave the Twilight Zone.
42 It's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 My subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Mass Murderers Anonymous meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 None of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end with a "Y."
61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange stu-
dent named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I'm in the middle of a Herpes flare-up.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 I haven't healed from my last sex change yet.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 You know how we psychos are.
78 My favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a urine test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 My uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my Olympic gold medal bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 Having fun gives me the runs.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is
looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 My palm reader advised against it.
95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name].
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 Sure...... NOT!



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Dont read if you are easily offended!

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Whats black and blue and dislikes anal sex?

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The child in my basement!

/going to hell

Uno "Fire" 999cc
Lowered 40mm Uprated Gmax shock & Spring system
Fox Evo3 15" Alloy Wheels
3" Rage Backbox
E-Tech hatch Spoiler
2x 450W 12" Custom Built Bass Box
2x Pro Audio 6x9s
Sony SPL-X 500W Amp

You Like?
 
I thougth FIAT WAS

Fix It Again Tommorow not FIAT: Fart In A Tin

1299cc 70SX Uno Mk1
KERR NELSON HT Set
Champion Sparks
Stock everything else so far
 
what you call a gay dinosoar (spelling?)? a mega-sore-ass

guy walks into his local and enters the nightly pun contest, he thinks if he enters 10 puns, he's bound to win, unfortunately no pun in ten did

Cinquecento Sporting,
and yes it is indeed Broom Yellow \o/
 
as my gran used to say

as soon as i have a wee cough i'm havin a week off


(say it with a scottish accent, no not a glaswegian accent, just a plain scottish one[:p])

- - Donz - -
 
A bloke goes into the doctors with terrible migraines.

The doctor says "can I ask you a personel question? Do you masterbate?"

The bloke says shyly "erm...yes...I do as it happens"

The doctor replys "great isnt it!"





Bloke goes to the vets with his poorly dog.

The vet says "Im afraid Im going to have to put your dog down"

The man bursts into tears "but....but...why???"

as the man continues to cry the doctor replies

"because its f**king heavy"





A window sales person is doing the rounds in a rough estate in Sheffield. he arrives at a house where he hears loud music from inside. he bangs on the door a little boy, no older than 10 answers the door.

"What the f**k do you want?"

The salesman cant help noticing that the boy has his armes around the legs of two very attractive prostitutes and is swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels and smoking a fat cigar.

The salesman is shocked and askes the boy "Is your mummy or daddy home?"

The kid takes one look at each whore on his arm and replies

"Does it f**king look like it?"

Matt

______________________________________________________

"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt"

Signature space for rent, reasonable rates, apply within.
 
Man walks into a bar...














OUCH!

and he said to his himself, "wow! what was that thing, it went like a blurr. I wish I had a Punto".

---Clayton---
 
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and
asked, "If you woke up in the woods, scratched your butt and
found Vaseline all over it, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack
and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone then?"

The man said, "Of course not!"

The stranger said, "Wanna go camping?"


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Only in America can a poor black boy (Michael Jackson)
grow up to be a rich white woman.


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I was in a petrol station the other day and a man was getting petrol
and he was smoking a cigarette. I went inside to pay.
The man outside somehow caught his arm on fire. He came running
inside the store, and the clerk shot him. I asked the clerk why
he shot the man and he said, "He had a fire arm!"


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