Jokes...

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Jokes...

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Not had a joke thread for at least a day, I just got this in an email (apologies for formatitng, must have been forwarded 100 times)

>
>>>>>The Horse Race
>>>>>
>>>>>The Line up:
>>>>>
>>>>>In lane 1. Passionate Lady
>>>>>In lane 2. Bare Belly
>>>>>In lane 3. Silk Panties
>>>>>In lane 4. Conscience
>>>>>In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
>>>>>In lane 6. Clean Sheets
>>>>>In lane 7. Thighs
>>>>>In lane 8. Big Dick
>>>>>In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
>>>>>In lane 10. Merry Cherry
>>>>>
>>>>>AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
>>>>>
>>>>>Conscience is left behind at the gate.
>>>>>Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
>>>>>Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
>>>>>Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
>>>>>Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.
>>>>>
>>>>>AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
>>>>>
>>>>>It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
>>>>>Big Dick is pushing in.
>>>>>Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady
>>>>>and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific
>>>>>pressure from Big Dick.
>>>>>
>>>>>AT THE STRETCH:
>>>>>
>>>>>Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
>>>>>Bare Belly is making a final push.
>>>>>Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
>>>>>
>>>>>AT THE FINISH:
>>>>>
>>>>>Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and
>>>>>Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
>>>>>It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
>>>>>through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
>>>>>Bare Belly slows,
>>>>>Thighs weakens,
>>>>>Heavy Bosom pulls up,
>>>>>and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
 
Obviously my innocent mind fails to see why it's funny except for the fact that a horse called Big Richard came first which is funny because you don't normally call horses Richard.

:D
 
joecinq said:
You have corrupted my innocence with your filty inuendos :eek:

yeah coz wen i think of you...it screams innocence!!!

EDIT - that goes for you too Paul!!!
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night.

Holmes:" Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebodys bloody stole our tent!"
 
JonnyBoy said:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night.

Holmes:" Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebodys bloody stole our tent!"

ok Pauls was good but yours was CLASS!!!!!!!!!! (y)
 
She knows i'm good ;)

I am very innocent! Can't get porn at uni.

lol JB, heard it before but still funny :)
 
JonnyBoy said:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night.

Holmes:" Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebodys bloody stole our tent!"

PMSL- bring back the clean jokes! :p
 
a young man called peter invited his mother for dinner. during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome peter's flatmate was.she had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between peter and
his flatmate than met the eye. reading his mum's thoughts, peter volunteered,
"i know what you must be thinking, but i assure you, simon & i are
just flatmates".

about a week later, simon came to peter saying,"ever since your mother came to dinner, i've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"well, i doubt it, but i'll e-mail her just to be sure," said peter,
so he sat down and wrote:
dear mother, i'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from
my house, i'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. love peter

several days later, peter received an e-mail from his mother which
read:
dear son, i'm not saying that you "do" sleep with simon, and i'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.
love
mum
 
Is this a joke war then? ;)

Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to
drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the
Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"
 
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owners of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school drop-out.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and, consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
 
There were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
 
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