Jokes...

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Jokes...

Well, it wasn't a war Paul, but check me, I got joke groupies :D oh and heard it before by the way :p

Dr P: PMSL @ the jack s*** joke, that's class!
 
Dr_Pepper said:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owners of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school drop-out.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and, consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.


:slayer: :worship: paul take notes ;) I seriously do know jack Schitt though :)
 
Mummy Chav and daughter Chav are in the kitchen washing up.
Daughter Chav: "Mummy, why are your hands so soft?"
Mummy Chav: "Because i'm only 12 years old"
 
hehe, chav jokes- i likes em

what do you call a chav in a box? ........ innit!

what do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? ....... safe!

what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet ?.... sorted!

:cool:
 
lol, joe, if you ever hear me tell a joke, it's twice as funny, why? Because you end up laughing at my awful disability of not being able to tell a joke. I am the guy who always forgets the punch line or misses out the dead important bit of information which makes it actually funny lol.
 
The Negotiator said:
lol, joe, if you ever hear me tell a joke, it's twice as funny, why? Because you end up laughing at my awful disability of not being able to tell a joke. I am the guy who always forgets the punch line or misses out the dead important bit of information which makes it actually funny lol.

...always makes me laugh :D , i'm the type that laughs at the joke before i can get out the punch line :eek:
 
oh I do that too, even if most people don't mind it funny!

Like....

Two cats are sitting on a roof (paul bursts into laughter), which falls off first?

The one with the lowest Mew!


NB: to get the joke you need to understand friction.
 
A panda was walking through the red like district when a prostitute approaches him.
"You wanna get something to eat then get down to some business??" the prostitute asked.

The panda being a panda couldnt refuse such a tempting offer.

Later on back at the prostitutes flat the panda sure enough had something to eat, got down to business then got up and went to leave. The prostitute shut the door before he got a chance to leave, and was confronted by a dictionary indicating the term prostitute. The definition read as follows "Pay money for sex".

The panda was quick to snatch the dictionary, and flicked to the panda definition. The definition read "Eats, Shoots & Leaves"
 
Ugh, science/maths jokes :yuck:

A burglar walks in to a house.
Suddenly, a voice says "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar turns around in a fright, but finds its just a parrot in a cage.
The parrot again says "Jesus is watching you."
"What kind of idiot owner trained you to say that?" laughed the burglar.
"The same idiot owner that called his Rotweiler Jesus."
 
The Negotiator said:
Two cats are sitting on a roof (paul bursts into laughter), which falls off first?

The one with the lowest Mew!

Bad joke alert!

P.S are we allowed irish jokes again now as I've got a good one lined up.
 
JonnyBoy said:
Ugh, science/maths jokes :yuck:

A burglar walks in to a house.
Suddenly, a voice says "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar turns around in a fright, but finds its just a parrot in a cage.
The parrot again says "Jesus is watching you."
"What kind of idiot owner trained you to say that?" laughed the burglar.
"The same idiot owner that called his Rotweiler Jesus."

heard that one already!!
 
Here's a engineering joke:

Three engineers, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer are on a trip in heavy snow from head office to a customer.
On the way their car breaks down...
The three engineers decide that such highly qualified people as they should be able to work out what’s wrong and fix the car:
The mechanical engineer say’s: "I think we have a clogged air intake, the snow has entered the air filter and iced it solid. All we need to do is wait a while & the heat from the engine will defrost it for us – if not I'll remove the filter."
The electrical engineer says: "I think the alternator has lost its connection to earth, we should be able to fashion something with some of the equipment we have in the boot."
The computer engineer says: "Why don't we all get out of the car, lock it, unlock it & get back in again?"
 
It's only a bad joke if you haven't lived for years of working out mews!

Otherwise it's the funniest thing about it!
 
An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere is South America.They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. "Well" said the barman "that is there for the taking for anyone who can;
1: Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes
2: Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot.
3: Finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman". What happens if we fail they enquired. "If ye fail and survive", the barman said, "ye'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe".

Despite the risks they said they would try it. The englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold.

The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself.

The irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are the most spinecurdling screams and shouts coming from the cage which lasts all of ten minutes.There is banging up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - "now" he says " where is that lady with the thorn in her foot"
 
An Englishman, a Frenchman and Claudia Schiffer are in a train, sitting together. The train goes through a tunnel, and being one of the old style trains with no carriage lights, they are sitting in complete darkness.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound, followed by a large slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a large slapmark on his left cheek, and the Englishman and Claudia Schiffer are sitting there like nothing has happened.
Claudia Schiffer is thinking "The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, but kissed the Englishman by mistake and got slapped for it."
The Frenchman is thinking "The Englishman must have kissed Claudia Schiffer, and she tried to slap him but hit me by mistake."
The Englishman is thinking "This is great! Next time we go through a tunnel, I can make another kissing sound and slap that french w**ker again!"

:D
 
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