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JOKES

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JOKES

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to a twenty something man,
a thirty something man, and a forty something woman, but
only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took the younger man to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow
your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside
this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill
her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could
never shoot my own wife! I love her! She means the world to me!" "Well",
says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the older man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances ",
they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but
nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of
the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull
the trigger and shoot my wife. I mean she's been a wonderful wife to me, and
a fantastic mother to the kids. I'm sorry, but I guess I'm not the right man
for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same
door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you
will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final
test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and
kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13
shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, they all
went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the lazy son of a b*tch to death with the
chair!"


---
 
From: Bin [email protected], [email protected]
To: Team [email protected]
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys.
We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the Garfield that says "Hang In There, Baby." Very hilarious.

However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the carpet dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota........have you?
I've posted a sign up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise
trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets - Cut it out Abdul, not funny anymore.


---
 
The Beer Scooter.

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home' As hard as you try,
you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your
house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to
the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large
batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a
certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off
a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this
pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up
the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional
Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's
in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question
after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking
Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers
a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good
intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments
In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those
parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained
in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru
chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another
question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters also come equipped with flowers picked
from other people's gardens and "Thump-A-Lot" boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Pete.
Cinq sporting 1242cc
http://mysite.freeserve.com/close_to_cracking_up/
http://autos.groups.yahoo.com/group/Cinqs_and_Seis/
http://www.clubcento.co.uk/
 
a man has just picked up his brande new bmw z8, and on the way home he decides to see how fast it can go. when he reaches 110mph he see's blue flashing lights in his mirror. thinkin that the police wont catch him, he puits his foot down even more.
Reality kicks in. he thinks to himself,'im gonna get stopped, loose my licence, go to jail. so he pulls over.

the copper gets out walks up to him and takes his details. realising he will have loads of paper work to do, he says to the man, 'its friday the 13th, end of my shift and im knakered. if u can give me an excuse for speeding which i havnt heard before, i'll let you go'

the man sits and thinks for a minute and then says. 'my wife left me last week for a policeman and i thought you were trying to give her back!'
 
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife, legs spread wide, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit up again hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked.
"Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well,
yes he did.
She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00PM Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, John shows up at Bill's house for the planned tryst with his wife at 2:00PM sharp and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and close their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly
dresses and leaves.
As was his habit, at 6:00PM, Bill returned home from work. Upon entering the House and encountering his wife he asks abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answers. "Why yes, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skips a beat when her husband curtly asks. "And did he give you $500.00?" In terror she assumes she's somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face she replies. "Well, yes in fact he did give me five hundred dollars." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprises his wife by saying "Good, I was hoping so. John came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

---
 
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block
3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be
slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to
the side of the building in the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I
went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow
descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of
the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an
equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident
report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately
by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly
to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my
weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report,
however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I
again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I
lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
 
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