For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.

AIM:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's just the way the game's played.

Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ...............................+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up....................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty... 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex...-1
You go out to buy her extra-light pantie liners with wings...+5
in the snow.....................................+8
but return with beer............................-5
and no liners..................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You smash it with a cricket bat...................+10
It's her cat...................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening........... 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub...-2
Called Tiffany......................-4
Who is a lap dancer................-10
With breast implants...............-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday............................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Ok, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate....................................... 0
The mate is happily married..........................+1
The mate is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film..........................+2
You take her to a see a film she likes................+4
You take her to a see a film you hate.................+6
You take her to a see a film you like.................-2
It's called Death Cop III.............................-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans.....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts...-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your * * * *".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.............0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.... +50
You're mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
"well, what do you think I should do?".........-100
You have fallen asleep.............................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself.....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

:devil:

great!!

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

Why is it ok for a woman to leave the seat down, therefore meaning the man has to touch it to lift it up....But not ok for a man to leave it up, therefore meaning the woman has to touch it to put it down?

ThisBitterPill said:

Why is it ok for a woman to leave the seat down, therefore meaning the man has to touch it to lift it up....But not ok for a man to leave it up, therefore meaning the woman has to touch it to put it down?

Click to expand...

It should be closed, like the fridge or the shower enclosure, it should not be left open. Therefor.... the pan should always be down! Thats why it has a lid, to be closed.

LLLMAAAAOOOO JOKES .. i like that one im printing it and posting it up in work lol

the bold bit reffer to my woman

Lolita said:

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.

AIM:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's just the way the game's played.

Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ...............................+1 (doesnt care)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up....................-5 (true)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty... 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex...-1 (lool i have spare rolls lol)
You go out to buy her extra-light pantie liners with wings...+5
in the snow.....................................+8
but return with beer............................-5
and no liners..................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You smash it with a cricket bat...................+10
It's her cat...................................-40 (that its quite jokes lol)

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening........... 0 (she hates it and wants space lol)
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub...-2 (she perfers it for a bit lol)
Called Tiffany......................-4
Who is a lap dancer................-10
With breast implants...............-18 (she wouldnt care she trusts me

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday............................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0 (its a big plus she loves that stuff )
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Ok, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team...-10 (never lol)

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate....................................... 0
The mate is happily married..........................+1
The mate is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10 (im not gay so im guessing you meant she lol)
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15 (lol that is jokes)

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film..........................+2
You take her to a see a film she likes................+4
You take her to a see a film you hate.................+6
You take her to a see a film you like.................-2
It's called Death Cop III.............................-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans.....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...................-15 (she wants me to have a lil one she thinks i would look cute lol)
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10 (- for her)
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts...-30 (+ for her)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" (never asks me that as i hate questions like that lol)
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your * * * *".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.............0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.... +50
You're mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
"well, what do you think I should do?".........-100
You have fallen asleep.............................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself.....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

:devil:

Click to expand...

lol i liked that one

alainax said:

Iit should be closed, like the fridge or the shower enclosure, it should not be left open. Therefor.... the pan should always be down! Thats why it has a lid, to be closed.

Click to expand...

I agree with the above, dont half get abuse for it from people though lol

alainax said:

It should be closed, like the fridge or the shower enclosure, it should not be left open. Therefor.... the pan should always be down! Thats why it has a lid, to be closed.

Click to expand...

:yeahthat:

plus the dogs will drink outta it if it's open:bang:

Lolita said:

:yeahthat:

plus the dogs will drink outta it if it's open:bang:

Click to expand...

Its good for dogs if they drink it they want it.

Women :-
Learn a new skill.... close the bog lid yaself .period (heheh pun intended!)
Get real, why should we want or need to please you? We are with you arnt we!
Stop whinging :- Emily Pankhurst got you equal rights not "special needs status"!

Jeez.............

alainax said:

It should be closed, like the fridge or the shower enclosure, it should not be left open. Therefor.... the pan should always be down! Thats why it has a lid, to be closed.

Click to expand...

Nothing wrong with that, I close it every time. In Feng Shui leaving the toilet lid up is bad for your wealth, tell your man that he might change !

So when I'm asked 'does my bum look big in this?' you women are just looking for a fight are you ?

Ffoxy said:

Its good for dogs if they drink it they want it.

Women :-
Learn a new skill.... close the bog lid yaself .period (heheh pun intended!)
Get real, why should we want or need to please you? We are with you arnt we!
Stop whinging :- Emily Pankhurst got you equal rights not "special needs status"!

Jeez.............

Click to expand...

you'll get spanking with that attitude

Lolita said:

you'll get spanking with that attitude

Click to expand...

Rite yah.... wannabet?

Alrite we men can not leave this unanswered so have this one back..

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/the-guide-to-understanding-men

PNL said:

Alrite we men can not leave this unanswered so have this one back..

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/the-guide-to-understanding-men

Click to expand...

Lolita said:

Click to expand...

Phew ..thought I was gonna get smacked around the head with that one..

the man one isnt as true and as gd so im sure there is a better one

...(starts looking on google )

I'm just concerned as to why PNL looks at womens health magazine

GhostWKD said:

I'm just concerned as to why PNL looks at womens health magazine

Click to expand...

cos he's a girl/ghey

lol i couldnt find a gd one but this is quite funny


Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Grocies:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?" Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

f*cking long tho lol