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Old 01-03-2003   #1
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: stoke on trent, United Kingdom.
Posts: 53
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FANCY A LAFF!

Things You May NOT Have Known
>
>
>1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
>
>2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the
> varieties of pickle the company once had.
>
>
>3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - otherwise
>it will digest itself.
>
>
>4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
>
>
>5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
>
>
>6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
>continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
>
>
>7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
>
>
>
>8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
>
>
>
>9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
>
>
>10.Every person has a unique tongue print.
>
>
>11. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was
>albino.
>
>
>12. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
>
>
>13.During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the
>distance.
>
>
>14.On average, 12 newborns will be given to the
> wrong parents daily.
>
>
>15.Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother
> and sister.
>
>
>16.Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous
>system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
>
>
>17. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
>
>
>
>18.Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's
>stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
>
>
>19.Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
> because he doesn't wear pants.
>
> 20.Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
>
>
>21.Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at
>the same time.
>
>
>22.American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by
>eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
>
>23.Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
> during World War II were made of wood.
>
>
>24.Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in
>the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the
>'upper case'letters were stored in the case on top of the casethat stored
>the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
>
>
>25. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
>
>
>
>26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple,
>and silver!
>
>
>27.The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter
> Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
>
>
>28.Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint
>Mona Lisa's lips.
>
>
>29.If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instanty go
>mad and sting itself to death.
>
>
>30.If you have three quarters, four dimes, and
> four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the
>largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a
>dollar.
>
>
>31.The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
>"Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
>
>
>32.The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which
>stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
>thumb.
>
>
>33.The first product Motorola started to develop
> as a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player
>on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
>
>
>34.By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
> back, you can't sink in quicksand.
>
>
>35.Celery has negative calories! It takes more
>calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
>It's the same with apples.
>
>
>36.Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
> from crying!
>
>
>37.The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
>
>
>38.Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
> being the book most often stolen from Public
>Libraries.
>
>
>39.Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
>they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.
>
>
>40.Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
>considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's
>Flight Simulator
>
>
>41.The numbers on a Roulette Wheel add up to 666, the sign for satan.
>
>
>42.coke a cola used to contain the drung cocaine in the 60's therefore getting its name >coke a cola.
>
>
>43.on average a bar of Chocolate containg nine spider legs.
>
>
>44.In the early 80's a moth was found in a computer causing it to crash and break down >therefore giving the term when a computer crashes now days "cumputer bug".
>
>
>44.A polor bears fur is clear not white. it is the skin that is white.
>
>
>45.Elephant’s are the only land animals that cannot jump.
>
>
>46.If a person was to collect his/her fart in a room they would have enough gas to make one >atomc bomb.

************************************************** ******************************************

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones,
21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting
in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
trying to claw their way to Jones,a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was
pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA,
as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was
burglarising.

Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville Del,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel
Kolta, 27 and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning
a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
millipede with a shot from his 22 calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off
a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors
of his house

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2
AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to
see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the
window was closed.

************************************************** ******************************************
You really may not want to read this!

If you are a regular traveler on the London Underground (U.K),
here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read.

During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the
Department of Forensics at University College London
removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line
tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite
London Underground's claim that the interior of their
trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists
made some alarming discoveries.

The analysis was broken down. This is what was found
on the surface of the seats:

· 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
· 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
· vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
· human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
· human excrement
· rodent excrement
· human semen

When the seats were taken apart, they found:

· the remains of 6 mice
· the remains of 2 large rats
· 1 previously unheard of fungus

It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests,
you are transferring, to your body, the natural oils
and sweat from as many as 400 different people.

It is estimated that it is generally healthier to
smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one
hour a day on the London Underground.

It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the
inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before
eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground
seat before eating.

It is estimated that, within London, more work
sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst
traveling on the London Underground than for any
other reason (including alcohol).

************************************************** ******************************************


A smile for the day,


The United Airlines passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attandant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers....
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that will be super douper'.
On his way back down the aisle he noticed a well dressed ,rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, I asked you to raise your tray so the main man can pitty-pat us to the ground'
She calmly turned her head and with a disdainful look said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
Without missing a beat the flight attendant replied....
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I am called a Queen. I therefore outrank you, so put up the tray Bitch !'
************************************************** ******************************************


How is your IT ability?
This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with
photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but
that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new
Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the
second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in. " The user hadn't realized
that"Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

10. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get
this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion.
It just has "4X on it".
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the driver.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.The
tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working
fine.

12. "Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


Now don't you feel better about your skill level?


************************************************** ******************************************
DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN


1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they
are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you
should shut up. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game
is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an
even trade.

3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the
result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a
"Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a
few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very
frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a
complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."

7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the
moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get
that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If
she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She
will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out
the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding
what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often
used
with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead."
Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big
trouble.

10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance
to come
up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get
yourself
into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a
"That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning.
Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"
Dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud
Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be
careful not
to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing."

************************************************** ******************************************

>
>From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated
>that English should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to
>assign a gender to nouns of their choice, and explain their reasons.
>The best submissions:
>
>SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male.
>Even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends
>most of its time just opening bottles.
>
> TIRE -- male. It goes bald and often is over-inflated.
>
> HOT AIR BALLOON: male. To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a
>fire under it.
>
> SPONGES -- female. They are soft and squeezable, and they retain
>water.
>
> WEB PAGE -- female. It is always getting hit on.
>
> SHOE -- male. It is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
>
> COPIER -- female. Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is
>an effective
>reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak
>havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
>
> ZIPLOC BAGS -- male.
>They hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
>
> SUBWAY -- male. It uses the same old lines to pick up people.
>
> HOURGLASS -- female. Over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
>
> HAMMER -- male. It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but
>it's handy to have around.
>
> REMOTE CONTROL -- female.
>Ha! ... You thought it would be male. But consider this: it gives man
>pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't always know
>the right buttons to push, he keeps trying and trying and trying


************************************************** ******************************************

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS
President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the
legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus
and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus
had jumped from the top of a ten-storey building intending
to
commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his
despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a
shotgun
blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net
had
been
installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some
building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able
to complete
his
suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to
commit
suicide

and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what
the

intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr Opus
was
shot

on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been
successful

because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel
that
he
had

a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast
emanated,
was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing
vigorously
and
he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that
when
he

pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets
went
through the window striking Mr Opus.
When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in
the
attempt,

one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife
were
both
adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was
unloaded.
The
old
man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with
the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident;
that
is,
if

the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's
son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial
support

and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that
his father
would

shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this,
he
was

guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the
trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for
the
death
of

Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald
Opus.
He
had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his
attempt
to
engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten
story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun
blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had
actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed
the

case as a suicide
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt
Westervelt)
************************************************** ******************************************



This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
British Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95.
Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North,
to
avoid collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the
South to avoid collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert

YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND
LARGEST

SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15
DEGREES

NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF
THIS
SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

************************************************** ******************************************

BEING A BLOKE IS TOP BECAUSE:

> > > >>Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Your orgasms are real. Always.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Your last name stays put.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>The garage is all yours.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Wedding plans take care of themselves.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Car mechanics tell you the truth.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Wrinkles add character.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you
> > > >>tarnished.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
> > > >>adjustments.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything
> > > >>different?"
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can appreciate great sport.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>One mood, ALL the damn time.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can open all your own jars.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can kill your own food.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
> > > >>be
> > > >>your
> > > >>friend.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>If you are 30 and single, nobody notices.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Everything on your face stays its original colour.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader
> > > >>
> > > >>is coming.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate
> > > >>
> > > >>for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You don't mooch off other's desserts.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
> > > >>gift.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
> > > >>might
> > > >>become lifelong friends.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
> > > >>bolt.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You don't have to shave below your neck.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Your belly usually hides your big hips.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
> > > >>24th,
> > > >>in 45 minutes.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>Same job .... . more pay.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>The world is your urinal

************************************************** ******************************************

EVER WONDERED WHY?

>Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
>Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
>Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
>Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
>Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
>Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
>
>Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid
>made with real lemons?
>
>Why is the person who invests all your money called a "broker"?
>
>Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush-hour"?
>
>Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
>
>When dog food is new and improved tasting................who tastes it?
>
>Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>
>Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
>
>You know that indestructible black box that is used on
>airplanes?...................
>Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
>
>Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
>Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>
>If "con" is the opposite of "pro", is Congress the opposite of progress?
>
>If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "Terminal"?
>
************************************************** ******************************************
the bunny and snake

> Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an
> orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence,
> both were blind from birth.
>
> One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
> slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
> and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
>
> "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
> you.
>
> I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,
> since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
>
> "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the
> same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never
> knew my mother.
>
> Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what
> you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
>
> "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
>
> So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
> covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches,
> and you have a soft cottony tail - I'd say that you must be a bunny
> rabbit."
>
> "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
>
> The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
> with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the
> bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and
> slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls - I'd
> say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior
> management".

************************************************** ******************************************

A lesson in how important it is to address Emails correctly.

One winter a couple decides to leave chilly Seattle and spend a well deserved holiday at Miami beach.
They planned their trip, but the day before they were due to leave, unexpected work commitments meant the wife would be delayed in Seattle.
Therefore the man set off alone for the airport, with his wife set to follow him the next day.
On arriving at the checkout gate the man was told that there was mix up with his booking and the plane was overbooked - he would have to wait for the next flight out. Despite vigorously pleading his case, airport staff remained unmoved and he was forced to sit down to await the next flight.
Arriving at Miami airport he immediately checked that there was no problem with his wife's booking the next day - he didn't want her suffering the boredom of hanging around the airport waiting for another flight.
He left the airport and caught a taxi to the hotel. The heat was intense, much hotter that he had thought it would be and he wondered how people could live in such temperatures for more than a couple of weeks.
After checking in at the hotel he unpacked and decided that he would cool down by taking a dip in the hotel pool.
But first he should email his wife to tell her he had arrived safely.

He sent a short message and here comes the moral of the story...

In his haste to get to the pool he made an error in typing in the email address........

Meanwhile, in an apartment in Boston, sat a newly widowed old lady - she had only buried he husband the day before.
Feeling down, she decided to send a long email to her friend in Idaho. Logging on to her email she saw that she had a new message. Opening it up she read it, let out an anguished howl and immediately suffered a fatal heart attack.
He daughter came the following morning to check on her Mum only to discover her dead on the living room floor. The computer was still on with the email message still on the screen. It read as follows..

My dear wife
Departed yesterday, as you know.
Trouble at the gate.
Appeal denied.
Now checked in.
You wouldn't believe how hot it is down here
Your arrival confirmed for tomorrow.......
:D

A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her
> > that she has missed her period for two months.
> >
> > Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
> > pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
> >
> > Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig
> > that did this to you? I want to know!!"
> >
> > The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour
> > later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and
> > distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in
> > a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
> > He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the
> > girl, and tells them:
> >
> > "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
> > However, I can't marry her because of my personal family
> > situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will
> > bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a
> > $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be
> > a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it
> > is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is
> > a miscarriage..."
> >
> > At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this
> > time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells
> > him: "You'll f... her again!!!"

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Old 01-03-2003   #2
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OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
How bored were you?

Si.
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Old 01-03-2003   #3
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Not half as bored as me :D But very funny, thnx for brightening up my friday nite!!! :p

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Old 01-03-2003   #4
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And the winner of longest ever thread goes to...
:D

"The Not so Fast but Furious"
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Old 03-03-2003   #5
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Oh my god...how long.....the underground stuff......bleurgh!!!

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