The joke thread

[lkc]

was tempted to call this the shite joke thread but managed to exercise restraint for once :laugh: Anyways, heard a joke recently? Post it here to make us groan/laugh whatever. I'll start with a particularly bad one


After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors.
"That's serious" says the doctor.
"You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" says the man seriously
"Well" says the doctor "you've got brothel sprouts"



Over to the rest of you - hell, you can't do any worse :laugh:

 

[scoop_987]

Whats long, orange and smells like a carrot?





































































































a carrot.... Woop, what a punchline Made you look though...

 

[lkc]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to build up a stock of his blood type for transfusion. As the man had a rare blood type and it couldn't be found locally, the call went out globally.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood a new BMW, a diamond encrusted Rolex and £50,000.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephone the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank you card and a box of Quality Street. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me fabulous gifts and loads of money, but you only gave me a thank you card and a box of chocolates.

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but now I have Scottish blood in ma veins".

 

[Andi9386]

LOL that's brilliant Katie.

 

[lkc]

I had a test-tube burger for lunch and got a shock when the waitress brought me the bill

"Two hundred and fifty grand!?" I spluttered, "How is that even possible?"

"We got the bun from Waitrose" she replied

 

[lkc]

Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up!



Warning - might be a bit dark for some. Don't read if easily offended

If online bullying has taught us anything it's that people would rather hang themselves than lose a bit of weight

 

[msb89]

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

 

[msb89]

I'm more than comfortable to be a passenger when my wife wants to drive.

To show her how happy I am, I even wave to her from the bus stop.

 

[msb89]

I'm beginning to think there may be something wrong with my daughter.

She got inside a stranger's van but he brought her home...

 

[msb89]

What did the pony say when he sang with a sore throat?




Sorry, I'm just a little hoarse!

 

[msb89]

Polar bear walks into a bar. Goes up to the barman and says
'I'll have a pint of.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
lemonade please'

Barman 'No probs, but why the big pause?'

Polar Bear 'Because I'm a bear!'

 

[msb89]

Please Notice !!!

You may have noticed the increasing amount of notices for you to notice.
We have also noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed.
Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices,
because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

 

[msb89]

What's the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week!.

(you do have think fo the sounds the words make with this one).

I'll see you all after the ban.

 

[msb89]

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?







Warren

 

[msb89]

Two tv ariels got married.



Ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

 

[msb89]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.


They charged one and let the other one off.

 

[lkc]

A bloke walking his dogs in the woods finds a suitcase with a vixen and 4 fox cubs in it. Unsure what to do he rings the SSPCA and explains what he's found.

"That's terrible" says the girl on the phone, "are they moving?"

"I'm not sure" replies the bloke "but it certainly would explain the suitcase."

 

[msb89]

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won £5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

[msb89]

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 

[msb89]

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.