The joke thread

[msb89]

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything - trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

 

[msb89]

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

 

[Chris Stefani]

Duck walked into a pub and said "Can I have fish and chips?"

Landlord says "this is a pub, not a chip shop", and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back in and says "Can I have fish and chips?"

Again, the Landlord says "this is a pub, not a chip shop", and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back in and says "Can I have fish and chips?"

This time the landlord is really cross and says "I've already told you no, if you ask for fish and chips again, I will nail your beak to the bar!" The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes in and says "Do you have any nails?". The landlord says no. The duck says "OK, can I have some fish and chips?"

 

[Chris Stefani]

Two peanuts walking along a road. One was a salted

(read it out aloud...)

 

[msb89]

Martyn we need the like button back again!


.....and no, that isn't a joke! ha

 

[msb89]

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

 

[steve119]

Two deaf mute lesbians walking down the street with their hands inside each others pants......

apparently they were lip reading.

 

[M21MFS]

Have you heard about the new Korean Meatballs that have gone on sale at Tesco?

They're the dogs ********..

 

[steve119]

Have you heard about the new Korean Meatballs that have gone on sale at Tesco?

They're the dogs ********..

You got that out of a book!!!!!!

101 ways to wok your dog by any chance?

 

[msb89]

A trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

 

[msb89]

Q: Two men drive into a car wash. Which one is Italian?

A: The one on the scooter....

 

[msb89]

A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.

'You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it."

 

[msb89]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

 

[lkc]

2 parrots standing on a perch and one says, "Do you smell fish around here?"



Bloke goes for a job at sea.
The captain says "Have you had any experience at sea?"
"No" says the bloke, "But I'm honest"
The captain takes him on and off they sail. After three weeks at sea the guy is busy mopping the decks when a big wave crashes over the bows and sweeps him overboard.
The 1st mate goes running to the captain, "You know the bloke we took on, the one who said he was honest...?

Well he's just ****ed off with your mop!"

 

[lkc]

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without the guns? (Recommended)

 

[msb89]

Q: Two men drive into a car wash. Which one is Italian?

A: The one on the scooter.

 

[msb89]

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

 

[msb89]

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.

 

[msb89]

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins.


What a turtle disaster.