I am feeling exceedingly stupid right now.
Yesterday I took the car for a drive, then went to the gas station and, sure enough, it wouldn't start. Took my multimeter out (I always carry it around) and decided to thoroughly check my system. Undid the battery earth, put the multimeter in series and started checking how many amps the individual circuits were pulling. And found essentially nothing.
Connected the battery and the car started first time, without hesitation. Started wondering what, if anything, I had done, and casually went through the Haynes manual looking for inspiration. I look at a photo of the battery and think to myself "how curious, the RHD cars have a different earth connection, its bolted to the firewall (or whatever you call that panel)". It suddenly dawns on me that someone once upon a time decided to connect the earth cable to the M5 stud that holds the battery cover. It always looked fiddly to me, but I never really considered that it was plain wrong!