What the haynes manual really means- Warning long post!

For everyone who's ever tinkered with a motor vehicle,
The truth revealed.......

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now
you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly'
what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it
up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But vehicles are easy to maintain right... right?

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to move it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start
to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!

For Added Haynes Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hyduoric
Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of
understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at
these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will
never look like that..."

Very good... All your own work?

hahaha, that had me in tears!

Most of those relate to my own experience!lmao

It's still a bible though

Nah i merely steal funny stuff from other sources that not doubt stolen it themselves....... u get the idea.lol

Love the pic
Mine stays in the boot of my car along with a mini toolkit
Not so mini though!

Who's done this before? I know I have!!

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: It's about now you start wishing you made a note of what order these bits came off in.

Personal favourites!

For anyone with the Cinquecento Haynes Manual, I would like to point your attention to page 9.5

Those without, here's a snippet:
Chapter 9, Section 5
1. Remove the rear brake drum, as described in Section 7

Now, wouldn't it be a good idea for them to tell you how to remove the drum first instead of putting that 2 sections later?!

Lol.. nice one

"...a special tool to do this is available from your dealer..."

"You are about to be severely ripped off. Sucker."

Haynes manuals are dead useful. Mine tells me exactly how NOT to do a job properly

ROFL, and I thought it was only me had such problems

hee hee, that's brilliant!