This bloke keeps ringing me up and singing Prince Charming & Stand and Deliver down the phone at me.

I keep tellin him to sod off but he's adamant!

yeah sorry about that, afternoon drinking, never good! lol

patrick,
I wouldn't worry about it,
after all, ridicule is nothing to be scared of

If ever you hear thunka-thunka-thunka from your front wheel, pull over; you may well find you have only two wheel nuts left and both of those are probably loose! Not that that has ever happened to me, honest!

I answered the phone the other day....

I said, "Who's speaking?"...

A voice at the other end said, "You are"....



Rob

You can say that again

Hmmm, that is adam nuisance!

Mark.
Council estate lad.
And proud of it!
Member of the Guild of Experienced Motorists.

And that was adam bad joke

I phoned the cinema today,
"Hello,is that the local cinema"?,
The lady answered,"It depends where your'e phoning from".
Boom!Boom!.

bloody hell i didn't realise Morecombe and Wise owned bravos, well I never!

Apologies in advance for the hoary old joke - but how does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' jammin', wi' jammin', wi' jammin, wi' jammin'; hope you like jammin' too!

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'





Rob

I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

Rob

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin

Rob

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

Rob

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Rob

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.

Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely
intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down".

whats the difference between clint eastwood and a poofter



one will make your day





and the other one will make your hole weak

My hamster died today




He fell asleep at the wheel

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd >better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome? The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of >Europe?". The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world. The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting

........................................ "Dopey shagged a penguin!" "Dopey shagged a penguin!" "Dopey shagged a penguin!"